Long ramblings that need out.

I'm feeling quite discontent. I think mostly because I am bored. At the moment, and for a while, my life has been on hold. There is only so much you can do when you have two small ones to take care of and don't have any relief pitchers in the bull pen.

I can't complain though. If I had to chose between serene and bored, or volatile and exciting, I think I'd choose the prior. My life has had more then its fair share of volatile, exciting, 180 mile an hour pace and although I remember those times with fondness and sometimes disgust, I'd rather my life be the way it is now.

If you asked me when I was 20 if I ever thought I'd be where I am in 8 years, I would have said "Hell fucking no!" (I used to curse a lot). I never pictured myself married. I thought I'd have children one day, but how I'd get them (I know the process but actually how they'd come into my life) I never thought of. I never had this urge to get married (not seriously anyway) but somehow, I ended up that way, before most of the people I knew.

There are only two periods in my life where I have been completely comfortable with myself. The first was my senior year in high school. I was dating this guy who pretty much stripped me of all of the "I need to be this way" ideas that I had and said "be who you are", and I was. I quit cheerleading, quit trying to be accepted by people, and started marching to the beat of the little drummer inside. It wasn't easy for me because people ridiculed me, my parents freaked, but inside I had this little bit of satisfaction that I finally felt like me. I did what I wanted...didn't really give a shit what anyone said and felt pretty good about myself.

December of my senior year, the relationship ended in a less then amicable fashion. I got dumped for another woman (I was a girl at the time). It completely blindsided me. I had a very small idea that it was happening but when it did, I don't think I could have ever prepared myself for it. It hurt so bad. (Oh, I know...cry me a fucking river...I must insert that I was 17 at the time) I did a lot of things that I am so amused by now (and slightly embarrassed by too but again I was 17). I will probably write about those things soon, but I must digress.

When the man I absolutely would have died for at the time, decided to break up with me, I went into a tail spin. I thought to myself, "well, you have finally shown someone what you are all about. He fucking dumped you so you must not be very good, huh?" I couldn't understand it. I didn't want to. I stopped eating. I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. It was ugly. I didn't fully recover until my 20's.

What followed was a series of very bad decisions. I dated the wrong men. Dumped the wrong men. Changed my image and style more then a few times because I was more interested in being loved then being who I was. I made one bad decision after another. I don't regret any of it though because my life was exciting. My life was a fucking blast. I had such a good time that I can't even begin to describe them in an already too long journal entry. I wouldn't trade that part of my life (or any other part for that matter) to take any of it back. I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and really had some good times. There isn't much I haven't done or tried and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to sample most of life's buffet before I turned 21.

By a stroke of luck (most of my life has been different strokes of luck) I ended up working at a restaurant where my husband worked. We had mutual friends (I had, about a year prior, dated his best friend at the time..one of my seriously bad judgment calls). I had a boyfriend. We wouldn't end up hooking up until almost 6 months after I started working there but it was as if it was fate for both of us.

I met Eddie about a year before we started dating. We were at a party and someone pointed him out to me. He was dating a friend of mine. A couple of months later, I had a party at my house after a Bouncing Souls/Ramones show, he and his girlfriend slept over. Once, during a really boring show at City Gardens, I ordered pizza and he was the delivery guy. I said "Don't I know you" and we both laughed. I helped him put the top on his samurai when it started to rain at another party (where I met his best friend).

By the time I applied for a job at the restaurant where he worked I pretty much knew who he was by sight. Thought he was totally hot and eventually one thing lead to another (again a story for another time) and we ended up dating. January 8th was the first day we kissed. January 29th I finally broke up with my boyfriend. April we were living together. Married by the next July. Like my life, our relationship moved at lightening speed and 7 years later here we are.

Oh my god! I just realized that my anniversary is a week away. And they say husbands are the ones that forget! Anyway, Eddie didn't care about all the pretentions. He didn't care about what I was trying to be, only who I was. I put him through a lot of shit and he stuck by me the whole time. He is an absolutely amazing man and I don't know if there is a day that goes by that part of that day isn't spent thinking about what a wonderful husband/father/man he is. I'll spare you the cheesy metaphors but I think you get the gist. I am finally comforable with who I am. I am truly happy to the core of my being. I am wrestless because of all I want to do but I am happy.

One interesting fact about myself. Since I turned 21 I have been at a bar less times then before I turned 21.

Sometimes a parents love for their child is so profound that it eclipses everything they do.

This article is about the father of one of Eddie's platoon mates. Click here. What impresses me most were the comments he made about his children.

I was reading about this because this guy is so very nice to me and the boys whenever he sees us. He pays special attention to Avery. Only one of Eddie's other platoon soldiers will acknowledge us when we are around.

Ironically, both are the men I have written about. They are the two platoon members who people make fun of, give a hard time and to whom aren't very nice.

I love my sister. She left yesterday and sometimes I wish she could be my neighbor. I miss her when she's not close. She got the most beautiful tattoo on her arm. She is a very beautiful, strong woman and I really do admire her.

I have a cold :(. I miss Eddie. I can't wait for the weekend.

Ryan has a small infection at the site where he had two of his injections. I hate those fucking things. UGH. At least he didn't have any other reaction yet. After I bathe the kids, I'm going to take a good look at the boo boo. It might warrant a trip to the Dr's.

My sister will be arriving on a plane in about 2 hours!! Yay!!!! I miss her so much. Both the kids are nearly sleeping because they went to bed at 2am and we got up at 7:30 to get ready for a childcare apt.

Childcare is set. I can drop them off for hourly care whenever its necessary. Yay!

I'm still running anemic so no donating platelets yet. I'll keep with the suppliments and try again next week.

Its beautiful and raining and I'm a happy gal.

ok. If you know me, you know that one of my biggest hatred/fears is spiders. Well, today after I dun gone to tha wall mart, I came in to unload some groceries and there was the biggest fucking spider I have EVER seen indoors.

I am thouroughly fucking freaked!

It was literally 4 inches from top to bottom. Ugh. Someone's probably missing their pet....

By I. M. Tolerant associated press news
VATICAN CITY-
The vatican was in an uproar today when it was discovered that Pope John Paul II has been dead for over three years, and that a right-wing conservative think tank has been preserving his body and using anamatronic implants to move his mouth during press conferences and appearances.

Catholics throughout the world mourned the death of the pope while expressing their anger for the cover-up of his death. While most people were angry, not many were surprised. Barbie Pilidiccio, of West Polehoke, Virgina, was found in tears at Our Lady of Perpetual Discrimination. "I knew he seemed old. He was kind of bent over. His press conferences were a little strange", she went on, "but I would have never guessed that he was dead.

An investigation was launched to discover who was behind the deception. Although, at this time, information remains sketchy, it is thought that Jerry Fallwell is the head of the think tank, Dr. Laura Schlessinger was behind the anamatronic controls of the Pope's movements, and Charlton Heston was acting as the voice of the Pope.

When reached for comment, Heston said, "It was tough to learn Latin and Italian but it was worth it to keep all those fags from ruining the sanctity of marriage and keep those pinko lesbians from ripping the guns out of our hands."

Dr. Schlessinger was not able to be reached for comment, but instead posted a reply on her website. "We did what we thought was right and would do it again in a heartbeat. Being gay is just wrong. Way wrong. Way more wrong then taking nude photos of yourself when you are young and have a beautiful body, even if those photos resurface years later and threaten to ruin your career. If you are wondering how we kept his skin from decaying, please check out my new line of age defying treatments. You can order them by following this link and using our secure checkout for your order"

There will be an on going investigation of the methods used to keep the Pope's skin from decaying and exactly how the anamatronics in his face worked. Its not known if any of the members of the think tank will be formally charged with any offenses, but it is thought, that if they are, they will receive a full pardon from President Bush. The President, after his conference in the rose garden today, when asked what he thought of the breaking news said, "I don't know what happened, but I wish I would have thought of it first."

I took Avery to the hospital today because when he woke up his eyes were practically swollen shut. In light of the whole chicken pox thing I thought I'd rather be safe then sorry and didn't want to wait until Wed. for an apt. It turns out, according to the doctor that we saw today, that he didn't have the chicken pox, but only an allergic reaction to something (who knows what). I am kind of skeptical but if he's right it would make more sense.

I have to go to the passport office tomorrow now because I spent most of the afternoon in the hospital.

And, it turns out, after all the searching for a Starbucks that I've done that there is one in the hospital!!! I couldn't believe it. Someone came into the waiting room with two starbucks cups and I nearly fainted. When we were finished, I stood in the front of the entryways of the 3 adjoining building and sniffed. I knew I smelled the aroma of the nectar of the gods. It turns out that it is right next to the pharmacy! I can't believe all this time I've been longing for my mistress and there she was! Right under my nose on the base! Its like being a heroin addict and finding out that your pusher has lived next door to you all the time, and you never knew it. I won't abuse it though because although I love Starbucks coffee, it is still expensive.

And... if that didn't make life peachy enough... GW Bush though enough of me (even after all the mean things I have said about him) to send me and Eddie a $650 check in the mail! Thank you fucked up government bunny! bwakk bwakk.

Eddie is coming home tonight for the whole weekend. He'll be here from 6pm today until 6pm Sunday night. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Our income is going to be cut by $600 because of the move to Georgia.

I have to go! I need to clean up and go get my baby!!

Its late.. This could possibly not be coherant

I had a really decent day today. I talked to two people whom I really like on IM. I got two rebate checks from verizon for our phones (yay! Thats $200 in rebates just when we needed the money)

I took the kids to the grocery store. I got staple food, which to us is frozen pizza, frozen waffles, bananas, apples, milk and bread. I went to the closest grocery store, Food Lion.

The Food Lion here is seriously like the twilight zone. Right down the road is a Kroger. Its apparently where all the soccer mom's like to shop. They have a pretty decent selection of "health food" and vegetarian items. Their prices are a little high but I guess for the ambiance that Kroger offers, some suburbanites are willing to pay more. Food Lion is cheaper. I like cheap, so I shop there. They don't have tofu. They don't stock pears. Nor do they stock chick peas. Weird that they do not have those things. Granted, I shouldn't be shopping with civilians anyway considering that the Commisary is way cheaper but I didn't feel like driving out to the base and risking the dirty looks of other parents wondering why I brought a child with the plague outdoors. (poor guy) No one stares at you in the twilight zone. Believe me, we were some of the least weird people there.

The cashier guy is super nice too. He's so nice that he almost makes me nervous. And believe me, he's not just nice because I'm a sexy, bodacious babe either. He's that nice when Eddie's there too.

I spied on my neighbors today when they got home from Wal-Mart (YES, I KNOW I HAVE NO LIFE). The woman (Eddie and I call her Avril) and her husband (we call him Skater Boi) were taking up bags and Skater Boi was trying to invent this system for taking a whole lot of bags up the stairs at once by threading the handles onto a broom they purchased. It was funny watching him try to do this while his wife (these two can't be more than 25 years old) made 3 trips in the time that he was engineering the whole thing. I spy on them a lot because I am curious about people and they're a military family too. Ok, I spy on them a lot because I have no life and I'm bored out of my skull. I think if I could rig a survelance system in their house to spy on them I probably would. I get obsessed like that. More on that later...*coughfreakcough*

I always think I am so way outside the norm but the fact is that I blend better than I have ever in my life. I guess you get used to the feeling of being an outsider and it never quite sinks in that you are pretty much like everyone else.

I am not special. I am not a beautiful or unique snowflake.

I'm having trouble thinking of a way to start this. I'm a little over emotional because I've been depriving myself of sleep. Everything that has been happening to me is amplified due to that fact. I'm tired, and I want to have a good cry.



It is beyond me why I care about certain things. Things that don't affect my life at all. Things that if I shut my eyes, would disappear. I tend to over-empathize with people and sometimes it really effects my emotions. I think about what they must be going through and it really hurts me. Mind you, these are people that if I never wanted to know about again, it could be easily done.

For example, two of the privates in Eddie's company make me very sad. They, in the past, have annoyed Eddie because of their actions (mostly military related so there is no need to really spell it out). One is tall, kind of goofy looking and doesn't have the best hygiene. He's from a rural area. I feel sorry for him because the other privates talk about him and basically aren't nice to him (pretty mean in fact). The other is a formerly medicated Addh boy who's father (a medal of honor winner) died and his mother remarried and had more children. Again, the other privates are really mean to him because of his personality. Both are really young (20-21) and both are very respectful and nice to me and my boy when I see them.

Last night Eddie mentioned to me on the phone that the tall, goofy one was asking around to use someone's phone to call his family. The people in Eddie's room were being mean and said that if he paid them $5 that they would let him use the phone. I told Eddie that I wanted him to call me back and to please let this guy use the phone. I nearly started crying.

I guess the pain of not being accepted kind of all floods back when I see situations like this. Now, I really don't give a fuck what people think about me (most of the time), but it took 28 years for me to feel this way. I think back to how much it hurt to have people make fun of me. For things I didn't mean or whatever. People were fucking horrible to me at times in my life and for some reason it still carries on into my adult life.

I am by no means saying that I am unique here. I know that probably most people in life were tortured. I was fucked up more then some. I am guessing that if you are reading this, I don't exactly need to go into detail about how much worse it could have been for me. I'm just trying at the moment to work through why I am sitting here crying.

I guess I don't blame most of the people who knew me before, for not liking me today. When I think about the way I was in my late teens and early twenties, I can't say I blame them. I am amazed that Eddie is still with me after the way I was. I was a train wreck before. I was a wounded girl and everything was motivated by trying to fix or forget how hurt I really was. Every action was a reaction to being hurt the first time. When someone steals your innocence, it kind of does that to you.

Fuck. I'm fortunate in that once I get it out, its out. I don't tend to dwell on things once they are written down. I've never really gotten this out.

Its about time that I stopped letting the memories from high school hurt me. Its time that I stopped seeking the acceptance from the few acquaintances I have left from that time. I can really admire them, as I do, but the indifference of those people shouldn't bother me like it does. I am twenty eight fucking years old. Its time to let go.

And to top it all off, its been 10 years since I've graduated high school. They are planning a class reunion and while, at first, I was excited about going, I've decided not to. I could if I wanted to, but I won't. I don't need to relive the hell I felt in high school just to see the few people who I liked.

Ugh. Maybe it is time for me to visit a therapist again. Maybe this is my answer to therapy, just much cheaper. Maybe I just need something other than this void of time until we are somewhere for more then a few months. Maybe I just need to have a sense of something to work toward to rather then something to work through.

When I read through my journal entries to attempt to correct punctuation, grammar etc. I get disgusted. I get disgusted at how pitiful it all sounds. I wonder if anyone has made it this far.

***************8

Ok. Thought about it some. Everything below (ie: earlier post) is pretty minute compared to what I found out today. There's a pretty good chance that Eddie might be stationed somewhere in Germany where he's in Bosnia for 1/2 of the year.

Fucking Yay.

All the accumulation is so small compared to the thought of having to go through being without him for half the year.

Cursing not Cussing

One day, when I first stared living in Georgia, I was driving around and something happened that really upset me (can't remember what it was now... must have been really important) and I shouted FUCK while both my kids were in the car. (STUUUUpppIIIDDDdddddd) Avery said "Mom, Whaddya mean Fuk?" I said "I said BUG honey. I said BUG." "Oh, whaddya mean bug?"

Quick thinking by a baaaaaad potty mouth mommy. That is why I don't curse anymore.

My favorite curse words, being that I'm not religious, are JESUS CHRIST!. I use this at time of frustration, when something pisses me off and basically whenever I feel like it. When I get frustrated with the kids, however, I usually shorten it to "JESUS!" Or more like "JEEEEEEEZUUUUUUUS" I said that to Avery because he was acting up in my room before I left Trenton.

Me: "JEEEEEEEEEEEZUUUUUUUSSSSSSSS!"
Avery "CHRIST!?"
Me: bust out laughing

nice.
and if that doesn't win me mother of the year, NOTHING will.


real nice.

I am in the buckle of the bible belt.

My air conditioner is still not functioning. I blew the compressor so they are ordering a new unit to install. I can hear maintenance out there now *yay*. Good news? Most likely, if its a brand new unit, it will be more energy efficient and save me money. Its cool in here now so I can't really justify complaining about the bad news. *grin*

Oh wait.. yes I can. Last night Avery was playing quietly in his room. He asked me where one of my shoes went but I didn't think much of it when he did. I went to check on him in his room to make sure that everything was ok and I noticed that his bed was stripped. I looked around the room and didn't see any of the bedding, which is VERY weird because its the new Hulk motif and very obnoxious and hard to miss. I said "Avery, what happened to your covers?". He had taken them and shoved them out the window. The flat and fitted sheets went out the window. His pillow went out the window. My shoes went out the window. His shoes went out the window. About 8 playstation games and the controllers went out the window.

I nearly lost my composure. I said "You WILL be going TO BED when I get up these stairs. You ARE IN BIG TROUBLE." Then I flew down the stairs and collected all of the items off of the ground (yes, we live in a 2nd floor apt so I would imagine if there were any witnesses it must have looked quite comical). So to bed he went.

This wouldn't have happened if the air conditioner was functioning. The screens are easily pushed from the window and if the air was on the windows would have been shut.

***********************
I'm in a not so confident, self defeating kind of mood at the moment. Apparently live journal doesn't recognize either one of these moods because there is no icon for it. I wonder how the little poof that is my icon would look for self-defeating.

I always have had a hard time believing that people that I really admire actually like me back. I never thought of that as a self-confidence issue because most of the time I feel particularly good about myself.

I'm whining. Ewww.

I've been thinking off all of the things that irritate me on a regular basis (the radio selections here being one of them) and I'm sure its just because I am very lacking in sleep.

Eddie might get to come live here very soon. He talked to both of his drill sgts and they are going to initiate the paperwork to make me living here official, to get Eddie permission to drive and then finally permission to live here. After spending the weekend with him, it makes how much I took his presence for granted glaringly apparent. This weekend we'll actually be able to sleep in the same bed. Waking up to him will be nice.

Avery threw up today a bunch of times. I think he just has a funny stomach quite the way Eddie does. I think his playstation is getting broken or needs to be cleaned because it isn't playing his games well.

For whomever might read this please forgive my ignoring of punctuation and the fact that this is mostly drivel. When I am in a better mood and coherent I am going to tell you all about the baptist churches here.

And life is normal for 17 hours

Today was Eddie's first full day off of base. It was so wonderful to have him all to ourselves. We didn't do anything special or out of the ordinary but it was all wonderful. I now have a computer desk to sit at and I am $300 poorer after a visit to Target. I have threatened but am seriously considering making a wanted poster with a reward for anyone who prevents me from entering any Target in the continental US. I think I'd probably save more money that way.

Alone time (*wink wink* *nudge nudge*) with your husband is so difficult when you have two small children.

The air conditioning in the apartment is broken and thankfully the temperature is more mild than usual. I think I fried the compressor because the air conditioning literally has not been off since we've moved in. I have windows open at the moment, against my better judgment because the screens are nearly useless. They are ridden with holes, gapped around the frames and some just fall out because there is nothing securing them to the window. Its my fear of invading swamp life (aka: bugs you just don't see in New Jersey) that keeps the windows here closed.

A cockroach tried to sneak into my apartment via one of the open windows. He died a horrible death suffocating on a cloud of noxious gas. I sprayed him for a good 5 feet as he ran so as not to have an incident like severekidd described here. As far as I am concerned, if I spot an invader, I will DESTROY it without prejudice. If one ever gets away...well lets just pretend that will NEVER happen.

One small side note: There is a train line that is close to here. Its a freight line so at different times during the day I hear the whistle blowing. I am absolutely enamored by the sound.

Apparently Avery is getting THE CHICKEN POX. Oh hurray! Joy of joys. *sigh*

His psychiatrist apt was tomorrow and I gave the woman a hard time about trying to reschedule it. Ha ha! Only to call back an hour later with the news..."I think my son Avery has the chicken pox so I'll be rescheduling the apt at a later time."

He's got about 10 on his face, 10 on his torso, 5 on his legs and one on his butt. I imagine this will be different tomorrow. The natural holistic book that I have suggests to wash all the bedding daily. I have no washing machine and need to do this at the laundromat. Tres inconvenient. I drove the kids over to the washing center (within walking distance but I challenge any of you to walk a 4 yr old and a 1.5 year old while holding two full baskets of dirty clothes!), then drove around until it was done washing. The wash is currently in the dryers but hell if I know how I'm going to get it home...

I could put the kids in the car again and drive over to the within walking distance place, lock the car with them in it and rip all the clothes out of the dryer. I could run over there while they are in the apartment and occupied. It will probably take a total of 10 minutes round trip. Oh and I forgot to mention its thundering and getting ready for the skies to unload all the water that has been making horrible humidity in the 90+ degree temps we are experiencing here.

Am I bitching? Hell no (although it might seem like I am). This is the actual internal dialog that runs through my head when I'm making these oh-so-important-life-changing decisions. Now, seriously, if I didn't play my cards right these could be life changing, but I have a feeling no matter what I decide it will go without a hitch. After all, its only laundry.

I have a lot more on my mind but I'm not going to extend this post any longer. I'm most likely going to be quarantined until the weekend with one sick child and one probably going to be even sicker. It seems that the second child to get the pox gets them twice as bad as the first. Yay.

The house is spotless. I am exhausted. My baby is coming home tomorrow!

I'm so excited!!

Ryan had 4 shots in his legs but seems to be doing well. The nurse was very helpful today and read the inserts from every vaccine to verify that they did not contain Thimerisol.

I made an appointment for Avery to see a psychiatrist on July 22nd. Hopefully they will be able to recommend therapy for him to learn behavioral control. Today he darted out in the street very suddenly and nearly was hit by a car. It was the quick thinking driver who slammed on their breaks and the screeching that sent him running back onto the curb. Much too close for any of our likings and there is now a new rule that Avery has to hold someone's hand while crossing the street. He knows to look both ways and does it often. Sometimes he just doesn't think. He got very upset and started to cry when he realized what happened.

I'm going to relax the rest of the night and enjoy my clean apartment.

My 10 year high school reunion is approaching (that is if they manage to get one off). I was seriously considering going but after reviewing it a second time I've decided I'm not interested. (I probably wrote about this before so forgive me for traveling this road twice). I'm skeptical that they'll pull one off considering they barely got a year book together. The same 6 people were on every page. They even went so far as to include picutres from a party at someone's house rather then school activities.

As I would have said in high school. "Oh Mah Gawd, Whateverrrrrrr" (yes, I really did talk like that and still do sometimes).

On a better note, I'm having a pretty decent weekend. Eddie wasn't allowed to sleep here but we had a nice weekend anyway.

Tuesday I've made a reservation for Ryan to go to the childcare center and Avery is going to go to the psychiatrists. They had me fill out a form about why he's going etc. On the "write down any comments you have" I wrote something like this...

I am not bringing Avery to this clinic to get medication for his behavioral difficulties. I think he is far too young for that. I am more interested in behavioral control therapies and ways to parent him that will help with his behavioral issues.

I don't want Avery to be different. I love him so much the way he is. I just don't want him to hate school from the get go.

Today I took the boys to their appointment with the Dr. She was AWESOME. Dr. Bental is a DO not an MD and they tend to run more along the lines of homeopothy then traditional medicine. She was very nice, patient with my children and very caring. When she asked me if Ryan slept in a bed or a crib, I told her we co-sleep. She smiled and said "Do you read Mothering Magazine". That made me smile too because I have never known a Dr. that even heard of it, nevertheless known what it was about.

On the way to the appointment, I started to get a migrane. I have had 3 migranes since I've graduated highschool and usually I get them only under extreme stress. My vision goes fuzzy on one half, I follow by not making sense when I speak and then comes the pain. When I realize what was happening, I took 4 advil and tried as best as I could to get through the appointment. By the end, I was nautious, in pain, and not really absorbing what we talked about. I asked if it was alright if I came back tomorrow to finish up and get the referrals and things that I needed and she said yes. She is not going to be there but her nurse would assist me.

She also gave me the number of a homeopath to talk to about Avery's hyperactivity. She said there is a suppliment that he can take that might help. Also with Ryan's vaccinations, she suggested I start him on Vitamin C to help boost his immune system and cope with the onslaught.

I guess I was more stressed about this visit then I thought. When I came home, I laid down in bed and started dozing off (usually the only way I can cope with a Migrane). Ryan was pretty upset so I took him in bed with me and he immediately fell asleep. Avery entertained him and I slept off and on for a good 4 hours. I woke up and felt much better.

I ordered Papa John's online and can't wait for it to get here. I'm so hungry!!!

Last night I had a dream about a friend of mine, who died very suddenly a few years ago. In my dream, we were just spending time together. I knew he was dead. He did too. I thought to myself in the dream, "I will always have a special place in my heart for you. I loved you like a brother" He said out loud "I know you do." and hugged me. I started to cry and he said "Its time for me to go" and I woke up with tears in my eyes and on my pillow.

Afterward, I could't fall back asleep. I laid awake, in bed thinking of a way to express my dream. It came to me in verse but I didn't bother writing it down or trying to recollect it here. My poetic license was revoked a while ago.

I don't, at this point in my life, believe in life after death. Dreams like that come to me often but don't convince me that there is another side. Its hard for me to write about it because the thought of death has always been very scary to me. I know that once it happens I won't know, but, thinking of all I will leave behind gets me choked up every time. As I sit here and type this, I have tears in my eyes.

Nothing would make me happier then to convince myself that my "spirit" will go on, but I just can't believe it. I was very devoutly spiritual before my sons were born but since then I have not been able to connect with anything. I often pray for some sign or some solace, something to make me believe just to ease my mind. I think that religion is just a way to make people accountable for their actions in this life and a way to soothe people about the idea of death. Can you imagine what kind of world we would live in if people knew that once they were dead, that was it?

I read a study that said that the phenomenon of the light at the end of the tunnel people experience in near death episodes is just their brain being derived of oxygen. They had test pilots report the same experiences when they were also deprived of oxygen.

I've never had an experience with a ghost but once I swear I heard my nana call my mother's name shortly after she died.

I feel like a lost sheep on a run away train that is getting ready to screech to a halt at the end of a line that is way too short.
**************

I am absolutely dizzy with all of the things we need to do to move to Germany. For starters, most likely none of the appliance we have can be used, even with converters...I think. That is the thing tho, I just don't know.

There is so much to do and know and so little time to find it all out.

I'm very excited about going but nervous because I have no freaking clue what I'm doing. I need to find someone here who can tell me what to expect. I guess I have to check in with ACS (Army Community Service) ugh.

Dr's apt for kiddles tomorrow. Going over the vaccination thing. Hopefully we can get this all squared away and I can get the kids registered for the childcare service.

Eddie should be requesting paperwork to live with us. They are pushing his phase 5+ up because of the Fourth of July weekend. Usually they don't get it until week 11. He's in week 7 or 8 now (I lost count). It will be so nice to have him here most of the time. Especially with his schedule. He'll leave at 4pm for school, come home at midnight and be here the rest of the time.

I've been overindulging because I've been depressed. If I can get the child care squared away it will give me time to work out, walk or whatever. I'm thinking more along the lines of gym, because I have a feeling the sun is much closer to the earth in Augusta. Its about 95 degrees here whenever the sun is out, which lately is making for amazing humidity. It doesn't exactly rain here. The sky opens up, buckets of water drop out, sometimes loud claps of thunder accompany and then the sun comes back out again...full force. Its 95 with water on the ground, which quickly evaporates into the air and covers you like a towel fresh out of the dryer that wasn't finished drying yet.

So as you can all see I am very scattered today. I know one thing though, I'm thankful Eddie passed his test and delirious with joy that we can be together off that base.

I haven't seen any big invaders for a few days *knocks on wood*. I finished Lasher and will probably read another book (most likely David Sedaris' "Holidays On Ice") before I read Taltos. I've started playing Ultima Online so of course I whittle away my boring nights doing that. I think I might force myself not to play until later in the night so I can actually do some other things. At least I have enough discipline this time to make sure everything is clean, everyone is fed and the house in general is presentable.

Eddie has his EOC PT test tomorrow. If he passes this he'll be allowed home this weekend (most likely) and in a few weeks can live home!!

Time for me to shower. Kids are still sleeping!

Two things you do not want to hear 12am on a Sunday night.

"Mom, I locked my bedroom door and can't get inside"
"Oh, I locked the bathroom door too and I have to peepee"

As of right now, Eddie is not going to be allowed off base this weekend. His shift got in trouble due to their barracks being a "mess" and they are assigning them to a weekend full of PT and Duty. (ie: exercise and cleaning/landscaping).

One of the few things I look forward to is the weekend. Double fucking UGH!

(fill in a stream of curse words)

I'm thinking about going home. I'm just trying to justify a 15 hour trip both ways. I dread that drive. Train and plane are out due to the cost issues (it only takes me a tank and a half to get to NJ from here).

God damn I'm irritated. I'm so irritated I'm not even thinking clearly.

Shit, I'm so lethargic right now I don't even feel like leaving the house.

15 Hours is a damn long time to be in the car with two little ones.

*sigh* Breakdown tonight. I need to do something about the way I've been feeling. Most of the time I'm a pretty optimist person but I think its time I talked to someone about my anger and I will talk to someone about Avery. I love that kid more then anything on Earth but his behavior is out of control and he's starting to injure his brother because of it. Shit, I don't even like to hear myself complain. Time for me to shut up now and take care of business.

Public Service Announcement!

I went into the blood donation center on base yesterday and inquired about donating platelets. I finally meet all the requirements for blood donation. I was actually planning on having a few of my tattoos touched up but have officially put that idea on the back burner to give blood instead. (If that isn't a sign that I'm getting old, nothing is!)

I highly recommend if you meet the requirements that you try to either give blood or platelets. You can donate blood every 8 weeks, but can legally donate platelets every 72 hours. Information here on frequently asked questions about blood donation. They do a lot of heart surgery at Fort Gordon so platelets are of special importance.

The technician who screened my blood said my platelets were very good but my iron is low. Its no wonder now why I'm feeling the way I do! I've started supplementing so hopefully it should come up by the 1st (my scheduled donation appointment). I should be donating with Eddie. Its a 2 hour procedure but they let you pick out a movie and watch it while you wait. Hopefully I'll have all the kids paperwork in order by then and I'll be able to drop them off at the childcare center.

Eddie drew the short straw and got KP (Kitchen Patrol) today. Right now he's either washing dishes or cleaning off tables. Although he is a 74B (Informations Systems Operator), he said he'll have a degree in trash removal, landscaping and janitorial services before he leaves. Only in the Army do the students have to clean the classrooms, bathroom and manicure the buildings outside after class.

Today was a crappy day. I was told by a nurse that because I didn't vaccinate Ryan on schedule, someone could call child protective services and file a complaint of neglect. Eddie's PT test got cancelled so he has no chance of seeing us off base until next Wednesday (and this upsets me because this weekend is Father's day). Due to the vaccination thing I couldn't register Ryan for childcare and I forgot my damn wallet so I couldn't register Avery either.

I went to Target to try to soothe my soul by participating in the mass consumerism that is poisoning this country. I got surprisingly little for what I spent although my new water bottle with its own little jacket is pretty cool.

I'm totally slacking on cleaning up today but I figure fuggit...there's always tomorrow for that stuff.

Attack of the killer cockroaches

Ok, I must start this by stating a few obvious things about myself. I was raised, and for 99% of my life lived in the suburbs of NJ. In general, the only pests a person needs to worry about in Hamilton Twp are spiders, ants and fleas if you have pets.

Apparently, its hot enough down here that cockroaches are more common then people. And said cockroaches are big enough that, if you were so inclined, you could throw a collar around a cockroaches neck, teach it to walk on a leash and wave to passersby. This is something to which I am have trouble adjusting.

Last week, after I finished showering, at 1:30 am I saw a big brown spot on my carpet in the doorway, in my room. A shiver passed through me when I realized what it most probably was. I crept closer to see if it was what I thought it was and sure enough it was a 3 inch cockroach. I stood there for a minute while praying for it NOT to move and thought about what I was going to do about this intruder. I thought about the ziplock containers I had in my kitchen cabinet and resolved that I was going to catch the cockroach, carefully put the lid on the container and bring it to management to show them what I found waiting for me, in my nakedness, in the wee hours of the night. I attempted to sneak by and NOT scare it into moving but George (his name) saw me and ran for MY FREAKING BED. To someone afraid of cockroaches, there is NOTHING worse then the though of a cockroach getting lost near, under, or around your bed.

I hurried into the kitchen in my towel. I grabbed the container out of the cabinet, had enough sense not to forget the lid and prayed that GW (the cockroach) would NOT be underneath the bed, especially since my youngest was sleeping in the bed at the time. I successfully caught the cockroach, studied it for 20 minutes, realized he wasn't going to die, and put an added layer of security around the container (a ziplock bag) just in case this guy turned out to be a bionic cockroach and was able to tunnel his way out or lift the lid and leave to get all his big burly friends to kick my ass for pissing him off. He lived for 3 days, in an airtight container, in a ziplock bag, in my car, in 100+ heat.

Cockroach #2 met his fate after being sprayed with room spray, locked in a ziplock container and microwaved for 10 seconds. He was crispy and actually smelled kind of good when I ground him up in the garbage disposal.

Karma then comes to bite me in the ass. Almost literally.

Today, this morning to be exact, I decided to take a shower before the kids awoke. I was naked (as one usually is before they shower) and saw that the biggest cockroach I have ever seen, besides the ones at the Philadelphia Zoo, waiting to take a shower as well. Being the seasoned cockroach killer (sing that one to the tune of cop killer) I decided on my method of trapping with ziplock container and then disposal by experimentation. This particular cockroach was so large that when he attempted to escape via the drain, he didn't fit. Cockroach #3 could not swim (I figured since he wanted to take a shower in the first place, we would see if he could swim and he most definitely could not) so he also went into the garbage disposal. Nearly being proud of myself for not freaking out, I went into the bathroom to continue with my planned shower.

I dropped my towel, started the water, stepped into the tub and shut the shower curtain. Out of nowhere a cockroach flies onto me (I am TOTALLY NOT KIDDING) and I subsequently freak the fuck out. I started to scream at the top of my lungs. My arms flailed while I flung this interloper off of me into the tub. I literally jumped out of the tub (while screaming) and grabed the shower head and attempted to drown him. I put the water on to hot and kept at it until he eventually washed down the drain. I received a scratch in the fracas but managed otherwise to be physically unharmed. Trembling I called management and asked for them to please send the bug guy out again because I was attacked in the shower by a cockroach after I killed his friend.

As I write this I am feeling phantom stuff crawl on my skin. I am also scanning the floor, walls and ceiling of my apartment to make sure that I don't have to pull out my shiny new can o' raid to teach any cockroaches bent on revenge a lesson. I love this apartment and I don't know how I am going to get used to 2-4 inch bugs being in here.

So, about a week ago, we found out where Eddie is tentatively stationed.

I have two people that I know that are enlisted in the army. The one I know from Trenton, is stationed in Colorado but I think might be in Kuwait. Last I heard, he was waiting for his orders to go, and then I didn't hear from him any more. The second is someone that Eddie and I met while playing Ultima Online about 4 years ago. He's awesome, has 3 girls (two around my boys' ages), is originally from Texas and coincidentally enough, stationed in Germany. He's going to be 20 minutes from where we'll be and he's so excited about having friends get stationed close to him.

I'm still trying not to be nervous about the whole thing. There's so much to do before we leave that its overwhelming.

I'm off to do some net research..

*****************

1. I am happiest when: With all 3 of my boys.
2. I feel lonely when: Its quiet in the house.
3. The ideal relationship would be: I kind of like the one I'm in. Total trust, love...
4. Favorite movie (s): Off the top of my head.. Run Lola Run, Amile, Shawshank Redemption, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Snatch..I could go on.
5. Favorite author: David Sedaris and Stephen King (I know, cheesy)
6. What makes you cry: Alot but most recently seeing pictures of 3 people killed in Iraq recently.
7. Introvert or extrovert: Extrovert.
8. Do you think too much: Yes.
9. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be: NYC, Philadelphia (Old city), Wherever my family was.
10. A famous person you would like to meet: Any of the people featured on This American Life
11. Do you believe in organized religion: No
12. Pro-life or pro-choice: Rabidly Pro-Choice
13. Are you a vegetarian: Yes
14. Do you support the death penalty: I'm too pissed off about other political issues to decide.
15. Do angels or demons exist: Most of me says no.
16. What would you most like to be doing right now: Drinking a Latte with Eddie somewhere nice.
17. Do you have any regrets: Very, very, very few.
18. Sex or love: Love
19. Favorite coffee: A full cup of
20. Brand of cigarettes: Smoking is a horrid habit. Watch someone die from lung cancer....
21. Favorite scent: Honeysuckle
22. What REALLY makes you mad: Right now, the political situation in America and the man in charge.
23. Favorite way to waste time: Playing Computer games (UO)
26. What is your best quality: I'm an optimist.
27. Are you currently in love/lust: Very much so.
28. What's the craziest thing you have ever done: hmm...there's a lot here. Drove to toms river to put lipstick kisses on the window of a guy who claimed not to be at his (ex)girlfriends house. Breaking another x's nose.
30. Any bad habits: Yes. Quite a few.
31. Do you find it hard to trust people: Not usually
32. Do you ever doubt yourself: Yes. I would think most parents do.
33. Last book you read: Bag of Bones. (Stephen King, finished last night)
34. Last thing you bought for yourself: A Pedicure
35. Bath or shower: Both.
36. Favorite season: Spring.
37. Porn or erotica: Both depending on my mood.
38. What is your favorite flavor: Chocolate, Coffee
39. What is your favorite time of day: Dusk
40. Gold or silver: Silver
41. What is the lamest pickup line someone has used on you: I've been married for 6 years.. I can't remember.
42. Silk sheets or cotton: Cotton.
43. Any secret crushes: Yes...all the time.
44. Do you ever feel you are insane: Sometimes.
45. Favorite style of music: Vocal Jazz, Old Hardcore, Post Modern
46. Favorite film genre: Foreign, Independent
47. If you could be the opposite sex for one day, would you do it: Possibly. I think having a penis would be interesting for a day.
48. What do you desire most in life: To give my children a good foundation.
49. Do you believe in destiny: Yes
50. Is world peace attainable: Not while GW is in office.
51. City or country: Both
52. Are you more inclined to set short or long term goals for yourself?: Short.

I had a long, but wonderful day. My mom, sister, the boys and I went to the Philadelphia Zoo. We got to see lots of animals and both of the kids took in everything and seemed to enjoy themselves. It was rainy for the first part of the trip but later cleared up. It was just rainy enough to scare off crowds, so, we had most of the zoo to ourselves. We got souvenirs (as all good consumer tourists do) and Avery and I even got to ride in the "Zooballoon" which took us up 400ft in the air to look over the Philadelphia skyline. I had so much fun! Its a trip I hope to remember for a long time.

Afterward, we went to the Olive Garden and had food. It wasn't exceptional and I spent at least 20 minutes (10 min x2) with Avery in the bathroom. The kids were very tame and I have a feeling they will both sleep like rocks tonight.

I have to call EVIL HESAA tomorrow to get yet another round of paperwork sent to me about that damn student loan. What a waste of $3500. I might try to get a pay based Army loan to cover the settlement cost because no matter what I have to pay back, it will be worth it to NEVER have to deal with those Nazis ever again.

I'm nervous. Only two more days till I'm in the car, leaving NJ. STILL putting off packing. Bad Kelly...

I said good bye (or see you later) to my good friend Lauren and my mother and father-in-law today. I haven't really let the feeling sink in. I am sure Friday will be tough enough. My sister (if she comes) my mother and my best friend will be there to wish me off and I am sure I will be a wreck for most of that time.

Today, in a very "Celestine Prophecy" kind of way, I ran into the last x boyfriend I had. I went with my mother-in-law to a grocery store to take money out of the ATM because the first and second place didn't have working machines. Felix walked by and eventually I ran face into him. I know he saw me and probably didn't want to run into me (I broke up with him (yes, you read that right...one of the only people I've broken up with) for Eddie).

It was nice seeing him. He looked really good and it doesn't hurt to have a pleasant last thought about someone who, at one time, was a very important part of my life.

Ryan is attacking so I'm off to nurse

I'm depressed. I haven't felt this way in quite a long time. All of the things I can normally eclipse with joy is now bubbling to the surface.

After the fire at our house, my mother-in-law let Eddie and I live there for four months. After we left, we didn't speak to her for months. When Ryan was born, we didn't call her to tell her. She didn't get to see him for nearly a month. When she did see him, we were very icy to her and really didn't go out of our way to make it a regular thing.

I want to tell her I am sorry. I feel so stupid over the whole thing. I love Eddie's mom. I don't mean that in the "Oh I just love her" kind of way. I mean, I love her like she is a member of my own family. I wish I could take it all back. Especially, now that we are leaving.

I'm going to write her a letter before I leave. Total cheese, I know. I was planning on doing it anyway. I want to say I'm sorry. I will say I'm sorry.

*sigh*
Lots to do..no motivation.
I think one of the recent tornadoes touched down in the upstairs
Must do something about it.

Miss my baby
I wish I could wake up with him tomorrow.
Will he ever be allowed to be with us again?
*sigh*

EFMP

And I think to myself "If you don't have anything nice to think... don't think at all"

******************

The EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program) is a Department of the Army program which assists eligible family members of Army enlisted as well as other branches of the Army and retired. To qualify you have to be the family member of one of the above, who has a disability which limits that individual's ability to function on a daily basis and requires ongoing counseling, training, education, therapy or treatment. Examples of qualification include Attention Deficit Disorders, Emotional Disorders, Cerebral Palsy, Down Syndrome, Developmental Delays, Birth Defects, Epilepsy, Deafness, Mental Retardation, Asthma, Nutrition and Metabolic Disorders, Mental Disorders, Childhood Hyperactive Syndrome, Orthopedically Impaired, Speech Impaired, Leukemia, Diabetes, Autism, Heart Condition, Sickle Cell Anemia, Visual, Hearing and Learning Impaired. (most of this quoted from the literature they sent home with me)

In order for me to enroll Avery into this program, I have to fill out a form and send it to school to have the school fill it out. Every time I get a paper back from his school, it upsets me. I know that Avery has problem behaviors. I live with it every day. I almost collapse at the end of some days with frustration, sadness and exhaustion. I often want to cry when I get the reports home from school because it only seems to.. I don't know.. enlarge, exploit, highlight, smack me in the face with his behavioral issues.

From the form I got back yesterday:
Under What criteria is student eligible for special education?
N12 Specific Learning Disability
N09 Speech Impaired

Present level of Performance (x appropriate column to indicate student's present level in each area)
Self Help- (2) Normal
Gross Motor (2) Normal
Fine Motor (3) Mild Delay
Social (5) Severe Delay
Cognitive (4) Moderate Delay
Expressive Language (4) Moderate Delay
Receptive Language (4) Moderate Delay

Other Comments:
Avery is a sweet child, despite his impulsivity and very high activity level. Lack of good attending skills impact his learning skills. Behavior issues (aggressive) are a concern.


Let me start off by saying that I love his teacher. I, for a whole lot of money, wouldn't do her job. She has Avery, and 11 other students like him, and I don't know how she does it. I admire anyone in special education who does their job well.

Where do I go with this? It is obvious that he is ADDH. The school has never said those words for, I am sure, a variety of reasons. I don't know what to do. I really don't. What do you do for a child whom you love more then yourself? I want to do the right things. I want him to have a satisfying and full life and I just don't know how to get him there.

I'll know better on Thursday because he's going to the Army doctor. Thus far, I have been more than pleased with the military doctors. They talk to me like I have a brain. They take a wait and see approach with most things (which I admire), but really look to the patient for input. And most of them (the ones I've seen so far) are young, and that leads me to believe they are recently trained and not using outdated medical practices, which is so often the case with older doctors.

Avery is finally old enough that these symptoms.. behaviors will be recognized as a problem. Before, anyone I spoke to had a wait and see attitude. Maybe it was his age. He might calm down as he gets older. We shrugged it off to the changes he was forced to endure. First to the move from our house because of the fire and the hospital stay only days earlier. Second because of the move out of Eddie's mom's house suddenly and into my parents house. Third because of his Daddy not being here. The final trauma he'll be forced to endure is to leave the home he's known for the last two years, leave his grandparents and school behind and move twice, the second move being to another country. I hope he makes it through this last ordeal no worse then when he started.

I love my son. I love him so much that its physically intolerable if I reflect on it for too long. More then anything, I want my son to have good health, joy in life and a healthy self esteem. I'm just afraid I might have to make decisions I don't want to, in order to make that possible.

HESAA vs. U-Haul

HESAA is the Higher Education Student Assistance Authority. This is a New Jersey based company that takes over student loans that have been sent into default. They also provide loans for school and other services related to borrowing money for school in New Jersey.

U-haul is a company that rents trailers, hitches, trucks, storage space and sells packing materials.

I first dealt with HESAA during a bad financial patch and after I ran out of deferment time. They have a 1-800 number to call to ask them questions about your account but only one extention to dial if you are a miscreant and have fallen into default. This extention will often hang up on you. Once there are 10 people in que to talk to a customer service person. This is especially frustrating. You have to go through a voicemail system first and make aproximately 3 selections before you get the option to enter the extention number. The system then says "Hold while we connect your call" and you hear silence, and then it hangs up.

In general, the people they employ aren't very versed in the law, what their jobs are, what the regulations their company has etc (read: they hire mostly idiots). I feel the need to add here that on occasion I have actually talked to a few very helpful people, but again, that is rare.

I was informed of a program that allowed me to enter rehabilitation for a years worth of payment in good standing. I entered the program and made all of my payments for 2 years on time. During this time they garnished my tax return twice. Eventually, I requested information about having my loan discharged twice,(part of the program) and twice never received anything.

I also requested information about having a settlement amount on my loan. I was told by the woman that I spoke with to fax someone a letter stating my reason for wanting a settlement. Two weeks later I got a letter thanking me for sending them a letter and asking me to call the 1-800 number to speak with a customer service representitve.

At Christmas time this year, we fell on some pretty bad times. I didn't pay my student loan payment. I reverted back to square one with the rehabilitation. I was in the process of having my loan consolidated and found out, because of this, I was having trouble. Getting someone on the phone who knew what they were talking about was impossible. They had the wrong lender down as the one that was consolidating my loan. I got hung up on literally 10 times. I talked to 3 different people until I found out what happened and I actually found out through the company I applied for consolidation through. I also found out they sent back an incomplete form concerning my consolidation while they were threatening to garnish my tax return again. By the time I finished finding out what happened, it was a day later then when I started and I was nearly in tears.

Thankfully, I believe my consolidation is almost processed and I won't have to deal with these people EVER again.

I first dealt with U-haul when I was interested in renting a trailer and buying a hitch to move my furniture to Georgia. They were very friendly and I had no problem making reservations. The trouble started when I wanted to cancel my reservations.

I called the 1-800 number to cancel my reservation for trailer and hitch installation because I decided to rent the apartment fully furnished. I was contacted by the local office and told they wouldn't return my deposit because it was a special order hitch. I told this man that according to the reservationist, I had 48 hours to cancel my appointment and they would refund my money. He said to call customer service.

I called customer service later that day. The first person transfered me to customer service. The second person transferred me. The third person transferred me. The fourth person transferred me. The fifth person transferred me. The sixth person transferred me. The seventh person tried to convince me that I needed to call the local office. I told him I didn't want to, I wanted my money refunded. I explained to him that I spoke to the local office already and they told me to call the number that he works for. He told me to call the local office. I told him I already did and they told me to call him. He said "Ok. Well then try this 1-800 number". I told him I didn't want to try another number, I had been transferred 7 times, called the local number twice and I JUST WANTED MY MONEY BACK. Finally I relented and took down the number that he wanted me to call and it turned out not even to be a working number.

I called back, asked for that number again. Got it and waited until the next day to call it. When I called that number, the man I spoke to told me, in a very unkind way, that they have nothing to do with that and to call the 1-800 number. So finally, exasperated, I called the 1-800 number (again) and the man I talked to told me that within 10 days, my money should be refunded automatically to my card. I was both relieved and very irritated. He said that during this time of year they hired a bunch of people and that most of them didn't know what they were talking about. No kidding.

No matter how you slice it, if I never have to deal with either institiution again, I'll be happy.

Ok. Lost a second post. Must be AOL. I hate those bastards. I'm only using this because it came free with the laptop I got and I can't figure out how to hook this up to the cable modem.

I got an apartment. Its cheap and I'm renting it fully furnished because it would cost me the same to move my furntiure (read: two dressers) to GA. It looks like our first permanet station might be Germany, but that could change.

I had a crappy mothers day. The ride home was easy, and I made great time.

More when I know this won't be lost.

The Eyebrow Incident

Ordinarily I'm obsessive about grooming my eyebrows. I usually trim the hair I leave with scissors to make sure they don't get too long (the beauty experts(scoff) recommend this). Today I get the brilliant idea to use my fathers beard clippers to get them even all over in a short time without having to go through the trouble of using tiny scissors and a tiny comb.

I had the beard trimmer on the next to last length setting and nothing happened when I went over them. I thought for sure that the last length setting, still with a guard on, would be fine and as you can see...it wasn't. So I pretty much shaved off part of my eyebrow and faced with the dilemma of having uneven eyebrows did the other one to match.

The last time I actually used eyebrow pencil, my hair was blond. My hair is now my natural color (not blond) so I had to go out and buy new eyebrow pencil.

************
Its raining beautiful outside. If I had my way, I'd stand outside until the rain soaked my body until the cold bit into my skin.

Rain in warm weather is my absolute favorite weather.


A high school boyfriend of mine and I once made out in the rain against a telephone pole. Its one of my favorite memories of him. The rain streamed down our faces, soaked our clothes and we just kissed out in the open like we didn't care who saw.

Ugh.. I wish I could go out there right now. I wish I could lay down on my back porch and let the rain beat on me. I can see it now...me laying out there and my parents happening on my accidentally. There is a time and a place, and I will have my day under the heavy skies.

Moral of the story: Don't use any kind of clippers on your eyebrows

If I'm a good girl, I'll be packing later on instead of sitting in front of the computer.. this is of course before and after American Idol (yep, I'm a loser)

When you have a child, and hold that child in your arms for the first time, you never imagine that child will one day leave a path of destruction, scribble on the back seat of your new car with crayon, kick his brother for no apparent reason, stuff the sink with toilet paper, write on EVERYTHING upstairs with a red permanent marker, not potty train until he's 4.5 years old and then potty train overnight like he'd been doing it his whole life, decorate the desk and (freshly painted) walls with black permanent marker after you were SURE you got rid of every permanent marker with a 5 mile radius, fall into a computer monitor and bust his eye wide open and bleed all over the floor, fall up concrete steps and knock 3 of his teeth back into his mouth eventually leading to him losing his top two teeth and bleeding all over, walking out of the house while you nurse your newest baby, in his underwear, chasing after his daddy and get picked up by a stranger that returns him to your house.

They never tell you those things, but I think they should. Just so you can be prepared.

Life is Good

I am in a wonderful mood today. At the end of the week, I'll be on my way to Georgia to find new housing. This is such an adventure!

Avery's diet modification is going so-so. He found a bag of peanut m&m's and is now eating it. *sigh* Maybe an abundance of sugar and protein will short out his system and he'll actually be calm. Either way, he's going to school in 45 minutes so I'll have a few hours of calm before the storm hits.

Ryan is hitting the terrible two's with reckless abandon. My boys are so gifted that they hit the terrible two's when they are 18 months old *said with tongue in cheek*. Yesterday when he was irritated, I handed him old sunglasses in a futile attempt to amuse him. He took the glasses, threw them to the ground then stomped on them. He's also taken to hitting when he gets mad and when he does it he looks at you as if to say "Yeah?! You gonna do somethin about it?"

We taught him to say "yo" like the New Yorkers in the visa commercial that I love. I figure before I move out of NJ to Georgia I should teach him at least one stereotypical New Jersey phrase. Yooooooooooo is as good as any right?

So I put Ryan on the phone so he could say Yo to Eddie's voicemail. He also finally got the whole concept of the phone but now things that my cell phone only has "dada" on it. I picked it up today and he started saying "dadadada"

I'm off. I'm way late to shower and I want to take a walk today. Its mild and overcast so I won't be too hot. I can probably take a rather long walk if I have the time. Shoot.. maybe I'll stop at the library first and get a few books on Cd to listen to while I walk. I miss the mp3/radio.

***********

Both the little terrors, that I call my boys, are sleeping. They've been sleeping since 7:30pm. This means two things. One, I'm in heaven at the moment and two, they'll be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow. Its worth it though because Avery's been especially oppositional lately and frankly, I'm exhausted. I have always respected single parents and do even more now that I've had a sample of what being a single parent is kind of like. I say "kind of" because, I have the deep knowledge that I'm not alone and its only a matter of time before Eddie will be a regular part of our life.

Its amazing to me how much a partner can really change things. Eddie is a partner in every sense of the word. Yesterday when I said something about Avery being rotten to his brother...ok, I said Avery was being a jerk (totally inappropriate I know, I've already scolded myself all day over it) Eddie called me on it. At first I was a little irritated but he's absolutely right. I just find myself exhausted and not able to be the proactive parent that Avery needs most of the time. I admitted as much to Eddie and his first reaction was to offer me a few days at a spa when he gets leave from his training. Although making the offer is so sweet, I couldn't take him up on it. I can spend an afternoon away but more then that and I start to get homesick.

When I think of being away from the boys and how easily I start to miss them, it makes me respect what Eddie did even more. Before he went to boot camp, he had only been separated from his children twice for one night. The first time was when he worked an insane overtime schedule and had to work straight through the night. Avery was 3 weeks old and he ended up coming home for an hour anyway because Avery wouldn't stop crying no matter what I did and I called him at 3am crying. The second time was an overnight processing for the Army.

I don't think I will ever get over the amazing sacrifice that I feel Eddie made for us. It might be hard for others to see it that way because they didn't know him before he joined. Eddie has never been a conformist, has always had a certain contempt for authority, wore torn jeans and t-shirts every day, and is so attached to our family unit. Its partially very uncharacteristic for him to make this sort of decision. On the other hand, he loves the outdoors, was very athletic before the boys came along and what man doesn't like playing with weapons if all they are doing is practicing?

I can say, with every fiber of my being, that I would do anything for that man. I would have walked over 950 miles of hot coals if it meant that I could see him after we were separated. I almost feel like we love each other more then most married couples. I am crazy about that man.

I am also starting to ramble. My brain shut down after the dueling screechers. For 30 minutes or so, Ryan and Avery took turns screeching at the top of their lungs in the car and I think it may have short circuited something in my head. I started to listen to a meditation tape that I had and got exactly 4:36 into it before Ryan woke up and wanted to nurse. The meditation session is 10 minutes long so I only got half relaxed.

If it seems like I'm complaining I'm not really...my current thoughts revolved around being excited about moving, planning for packing and transportation of my things, thinking about my trip at the end of the week, loving my kids no matter what challenges they throw my way and being madly in love with my husband. If this isn't a charmed life, I can't imagine what is.

*******************

Sometimes all it takes is an old friend to renew your faith in mankind.

Maybe I didn't suck as much as I think I did.

I was reminded of a particularly hellish night attempting to drive in Manhattan. I think my memory of the event was erased because of the trauma of driving. And, I'm told, someone taking a cops gun and shooting it or some such thing. Oh, and me almost side swiping a police cruiser.

You would never imagine some of the things I actually did if you looked at my life now. I wouldn't change one thing either.

The sink is still clogged so I think I;ll head out tomorrow before I tell anyone about it. I just rubbed a tissue with Trident in it on the computer screen in an attempt to remove a smudge on this STUPID, no glare, computer screen and got gum gook on it instead.
Dumbass, you should have thrown the tissue away after your put your gum in it. And you should get your ass to bed because Ryan IS going to wake you up prior to 9am. NOW GO TO BED!
*******************

My life is in chaos and disarray and I don't know how to get things organized. I need to move my things in 3 weeks and I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to do that either. I have no doubt that this will all work out but the anticipation is a little nerve-wracking. I think I need to call U-haul and see if they'll allow me to pull a trailer with a Saturn sedan. I want to laugh even typing that. Picture this.. An agressive driver driving 700 miles with 2 young boys in the car and a u-haul trailer on the back. I'd imagine you need to drive slower with the trailer on the back.

Time to get moving sister! Whee!! Isn't this exciting! Moving somewhere entirely new for the first time in your life! WHAT AN ADVENTURE!

I'm off to get a shower, get dressed and call U-haul to have them laugh at the prospect of towing a trailer with a Saturn.
*********************
I had a wonderful day today. Ok.. well not wonderful but very good. I visited my parents-in-law and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I really like both of them and I'm glad that the disagreement we had is behind us now. For those who don't know, we lived with them immediately after the fire at our house. What was supposed to be two months turned into 5 and we eventually got asked to leave after a fight my father had with Eddie's mom about how long it was taking to fix the house. That is how we ended up here. It was really bad and Eddie and I didn't talk to his mom for a long time. Ryan was born and she didn't know until the Friday after it happened. In retrospect things should have happened differently and I'm just glad its over now.

I am having a hitch installed on my car on the 24th. I have the Trailer reserved for the 30th. My parents are both trying to mentally sabotage me by saying (repeatedly) "I don't know how you are going to do this...how are you going to fit your things in there...how are you going to figure out how to drive it" and many other variations of the negativity. Hmmm its a wonder I have any self-confidence at all. I love them both nonetheless. I know in their messed up way they try to do what is best and I quite often focus on the negative things that bother me rather then the positive things that don't. For example, my dad uses his hilton card to make reservations for me whenever I have to go to a hotel. They also paid for the hotels that we stayed at during Eddie's graduation and gave both me and my sister $100 on top of that.. Oh, and they let me and my husband and kids live here rent free/bill free since 5/01 and have never asked for a dime to cover any of the food we eat or utilities we use. Man.. I am a fucking ingrate aren't I?

Shoot.. now I'm feeling guilty. Man...once I start going down this road its a slippery slope. I think that is why I tend to be such an optimist. I just focus on the positive so I don't end up wearing black all the time and wanting to kill myself. I don't tend to get that way but when I do I wallow in it so its just best to avoid it altogether. I'm good enough, and smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me

Familiar

Had a pretty good day today. Took a long walk at the tow path near the rapids. Many many memories there. Afterward went to the health food store to start buying food for our new diet. I'm adding flax seeds to anything I can (we're strict vegetarians so no fish for Omega 3's) and trying to weed out processed sugar and artificial dye to see if it helps Avery at all. His hyperactivity seems to be stepping up and if I can help him through diet, I'll give it my best shot. It will be much easier to make a total change when we aren't living here anymore although my parents do seem to support any diet regulations I tell them about.

I used to shy away from the health food store but when you really think about it, it costs way less to buy healthy food and prepare it rather then buy Burger King or other fast food junk. Our dinner tonight was spaghetti with gardenburger "meat"balls and a bit of flax seed added. I used half a package of meatballs (aprox $2.50), one jar of sauce ($2) and around half a pkg of spaghetti ($.50). So basically it cost $5 for all of us to eat a way healthier meal then the $8 one we got from Burger King last night.

Avery just told me "I have a head ache all the time right here" and he pointed to the bridge of his nose. His nose is running a little. I hope its not a cold.

I've chickened out and switched my reservations in Augusta to the Hampton Inn rather then the Super 8. I'm so excited for my trip!

************************************************

Never tell a 4 year old to go wash his hands in the bathroom... by himself.

*sigh*

Toilet paper all stuffed in the drain. My dad is going to SHIT when he sees this mess. Plunging isn't helping.

Ugh
******************************************

Whee! I think I may have found one of my all time favorite authors on LJ. I hope that he won't mind me adding him as a friend. I've always loved his writing style. He once wrote me a poem at a very difficult time in my life (I still have it). Ironically, my icon of a blooming flower relates to the poem he wrote for me. He and another person I found on LJ nursed me through one of the hardest nights of my life and I will NEVER forget how important it was.

Sometimes people become an important part of your life simply for their proximity to an event. I don't know if either person there that night even wanted to deal with what was going on, but to me, they were saviors. In my memory, I think of them that way. I don't know many people from that era of my life who I think of with that kind of fondness because of the tenderness they showed when I needed it most.

I think back of all the things left unsaid. Most simply, thank you. So, if either of you make it here, or even give a shit, thank you for helping me on New Year's Eve. Thank you for listening to me, in the dark of your room, cry for hours on end. Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. I'm sorry I've never had the opportunity to return the favor.

I feel kind of funny finding people I know out here. Its the mislead egomaniac that thinks that anyone actually cares. Either way, I've found someone who writes, who's writing I love to read and now, I can read it again.

My trip, days 1,2 and 3

My trip was amazing. Seeing Eddie in his uniform for the first time sent me in to a torrent of tears. He looks beautiful and much like he did the first night we kissed. I remember EXACTLY what he looked like that night. I imagine it will be the last image I see when I leave this earth.

We took the drive in two days, but had it not been for my sister I might have been able to do it in one. I did get my start at 5am just as I had planned although most people I knew said it couldn't be done. (4:55 to be exact) The first day we stayed at the NC/SC border in a town who's name I can't remember right now. We had continental breakfast, which incidentally, I will never tire of.

When we made it to Fort Benning, we went to the barracks where Eddie had been since 2/11. I wanted to sit for a while and really absorb the gravity I felt. I was less then 100 yds away from Eddie but still forbidden to see him. It was very surreal.

The next morning (after continental breakfast compliments of the hotel on base) we made our way to the hall where they were staging family day. We arrived 45 minutes early (I am obsessive about few things but one of them is being on time) and thankfully they had a TV in the rec center for Avery to amuse himself. I cried a little.

At 9:05 we were seated in an auditorium where we listened to a short speech about our soldier (insert me crying here), their drill sgts and what they were and weren't allowed to do.

No Drinking
No Drugs
No Driving
No taking off the uniform
Have your soldier back at 20:00

Easy enough.

We all filed out and lined up so we could watch the soldiers march. I cried a little more. We could hear the soldiers singing their cadences from the sidewalk. (I cried a bit and started to tremble) They started marching toward us. I have no idea what they were saying except for "Kill" I could make that out clearly. This, in and of itself, was VERY entertaining because imagining Eddie saying "Kill", with a bunch of other guys, is very uncharacteristic of him and funny.

They got closer. Then I spotted him. Finding the words to describe what I felt at that moment is difficult. He looked wonderful. He was glowing. All of the waiting, at that moment, was over. It was cathartic. I had made it. He did too. I was proud of the both of us, washed over with love, reminded of my attraction to him, his being a wonderful father, and a deep sense that the worst part of the basic training experience was now behind us. I started to cry hard enough that I couldn't see. I don't know what they said or did after I spotted him. I really can't remember. All I can remember is seeing him, starting to shake then they released the soldiers.

I hugged him and cried (I know! I'm a big cry baby). We spend a wonderful day together. Avery looked at him at first. Most likely because he looks a LOT thinner then he did when he left and in addition wore a beard for most of the time. Most of the pictures Avery looked at had Eddie with a beard so I think he was just making sure that was actually his dad. I think the suit threw him off too because Eddie was a jeans and t-shirt man. It didn't take him long to tell his Daddy how much he missed him and hug and kiss him.

Surprisingly, Ryan knew who he was too. I was most worried that Ryan wouldn't remember his dad, but relieved that he did. He went right in his arms and started calling him dada. Even now when he sees pictures of Eddie he says DAAAA or Dada.

We went to a very nice Chinese food restaurant and had the most amazing tofu dishes. Eddie ate all of his and half of mine. Something I learned about the South in the first couple days...If you request ANYTHING vegetarian you WILL throw a wrench into the whole getting food thing.

"I'd like two hamburger kids meals with no meat"
"You want no meat?"
"Yes, no meat"
"You mean you want the hamburger with no meat"
"Yes"
"So what you want is a bun and ketchup and pickles"
"Yes"
"Oh, well I don't know how to ring that up. Let me get my manager"
5 minutes goes by and the manager comes over. She can't figure out how to ring it up either so they just tell the burger maker my order while 20 people accumulate behind me.

As we were finishing up our amazing tofu, our waitress, who happened to be haitian, approached the table next to us. The man sitting at the table said (loudly) "Hey, you aren't chinese. I thought this place was supposed to be authentic" (of course with the southern drawl you would expect in GA). Our jaws just about hit the table. That is just something you wouldn't EVER hear around here and it took all of us by surprise.

Afterward we went to the local mall, walked around and most importantly, got Eddie his first coffee drink in 10 weeks. We spend the rest of the time in our hotel room, the px (arcade for the boys). When it was time for him to return, Avery got really sad. While falling asleep in the back of the car he cried and told Eddie that he didn't want him to leave. We both explained to Avery that we would get to see him the next day. Both boys fell asleep in the car on the way back to the hotel.

Graduation and the oddesy to Fort Gordon.

Graduation day went smoothly. It was dark and the clouds were pregnant with rain but amazingly, the first drop did not fall until the last word of the ceremony. They marched, had a guest speaker and sang the Army song. Eddie's parents were there and I was very glad for it.

After the ceremony we all went to Denny's. It was Eddie, Georgiann (his mom), Kenny (his step-dad), Jodie (his sister), Melissa (my sister), Avery, Ryan and myself. We all had a blast and ordered dessert. Everyone gave their desserts to Eddie when they had eaten as much as they could manage. Eddie ate up most of the leftovers.

We toured the base with his parents and stopped a few places. One of the places we visited was the Infantry Museum there. As we were taking pictures, I looked over at Avery and he had his pants around his ankles. He was peeing on a tree outside the museum. I nearly fell over. I could not stop laughing. Jodie told him, when he said he had to go to the bathroom, to pee on the tree. I don't think she knew that he would take her seriously. I think Eddie's parents might have even gotten a few pictures of it.

After the museum, Eddie's parents left and my sister went to the hotel room. Eddie told me while we were out that Drill Sgt. Golden said we could follow the buss to Fort Gordon because after they processed, the soldiers would get weekend leave. I was beyond excited at the prospect and arranged for my sister to catch a ride home with Eddie's parents.

That night we had the most AMAZING mexican food. I can't remember the last time I've had mexican food that delicious. The salsa they put out with chips when you sit down was so good. We both had vegetarian platters which included an enchalada and gordita. I even had flan for dessert. Eddie is still talking about that restaurant.

After I dropped Eddie off I had a very stressful night. It was pouring and I got lost like 10 times. My sister wouldn't come out the hotel room so I had to drag two sleeping kids from the car to the hotel and eventually back out to the car and back in to the hotel. I was worried about checking out on time the next day and making it over to Eddie's barracks to see him off. I barely slept.

The next morning it was still pouring. I managed to find the place to check out (after getting lost) and also found my way to the barracks (after getting lost). If I never have to drive at Fort Benning again, it will be too soon.

I waited for a few hours mainly because I didn't know what to expect. Civilians were milling around but it was teeming rain so I didn't want to get out unless something was actually happening. Thankfully, when something started to happen the rain mercifully let up. I met a very cool woman who was married to a guy in Eddie's platoon. Nicole Hedley (I think). She was very outgoing and I liked that. She said she was going to follow the bus to Fort Gordon and that I should follow too. I figured, "what the hell" and planned on that. After a while, the men filed onto the bus and I jumped in the car and away we went.

The bus got lost twice. I started with a quarter tank of gas because I hadn't originally planned on following the bus. When we came to a red light, I put 10 dollars of gas in my tank as quickly as I could and did 85 in a 45 to try to catch up with the busses. I thought for sure I had lost them. After what seemed like an eternity, I spotted the busses and finally caught up. Not more then a few minutes later we turned off the road we had been on, so I caught them just in time.

They stopped for lunch and me and the boys got to have lunch with Eddie. Avery peed twice which set him for the rest of the trip (thankfully...you never can tell with a freshly potty trained boy). The rest of the trip was ultra-smooth. I followed Nicole who followed the second bus. There were three other families following the first bus. We made it to Fort Gordon without a hitch.

The company commander briefed us and let us know what to expect. From what I understand, Eddie is now in phase 4 of his training. When he goes to phase 5 training he will have his weekends to himself. When he hits phase 5+ it will be like a job, and he will have his nights and weekends to himself. The Co Commander was very nice, very patient and answered any questions that people may have had.

After the briefing the kids and I hung out for a while. Eddie called and told me that he thought he wouldn't be done until 9pm. I had a feeling he would be done sooner so I stayed on base and took the kids for dinner at the PX. Sure enough, he called just as I got the kids in the car and prepared to head over toward his "dorms". He was finished and DONE FOR THE WEEKEND!!! I had my baby all to myself. I would even get to sleep in the same bed!! That is only one of the many things I took for granted during our separation.

We rented a room, ate at the Waffle house and turned in to sleep. We both got cell phones (see earlier entry) and basically enjoyed the hell out of our time together. I think it was during this time that we discussed it and in light of the situation, decided that the kids and I will move. I am excited and can't wait. I'm also very nervous because I have heard more then once that they officially don't recommend it. If I get to spend weekends with him and eventually have him at home more often I think its worth it. Avery misses him painfully when he's not around and so do I for that matter.

When we left at 3pm on Sunday Avery said "How many days until I get to see my daddy again". I was impressed at his calm. I was sure he'd be crying.

I ended up driving straight through to NJ. I got home in one piece at 5am. My head hurt from me trying very hard to keep my eyes open. I got to hear 4 hours of Loveline (I LOVE Dr. Drew). It was entertaining and kept me awake through the end of NC, all of VA, DC and most of MD.

It was a wonderful trip and I get to make the drive again on 5/11. I'm going to Fort Gordon to arrange housing for us. I'll keep an update when I have the chance. I'm plum exhausted and hoping to hear from Eddie tonight. He has class from 4ish until 12ish so he tries to call after. This is SO much easier then basic training. This feels like a piece of cake after it.

I'm Back and Finally joined modern society

And exhausted. Didn't get in until 5am

My husband rocks. I LOVE HIM

There is just something about THAT man in a uniform!!

********************

I've been avoiding getting a cell phone for quite a while but finally caved in this weekend. Eddie and I got two lines and can txt each other without spending minutes. I can talk to him through the web and its almost like instant messaging. Its nice..and very different from his being in basic training.

I'm moving. We discussed it over the weekend and although the army doesn't recommend it, we'll be relocating to Fort Gordon, GA (ie: Augusta) within the next month. After he is through with phase 4 (in aprox a month), he'll be able to spend the weekends with us. After that he can live with us.

I'm literally falling asleep at the keys so I'll write more about the graduation experience tomorrow.

I got a lot done today. I'm almost completely done packing. I got 4-5 days worth of clothing for me and the kids packed in one suitcase. Mailed my last letter to Eddie until after our trip. Got a letter back that couldn't be delivered. Funny, I sent about 50 other letters to the same exact address and they didn't have a problem making it there. Deposited the last payment that I've received for this round of ebay stuff I sold and mailed that out. Bought some last minute things for the easter baskets. Rotated the kids clothes from winter to summer and rearranged the clothes in storage. Did almost all of the laundry I had left to do (aprox 7 loads). I have about 3 more left. I even took the kids to pizza hut for lunch.

Whom said that Stay at Home moms don't do anything all day has no idea what we do in a day.

I tried to boil eggs today to dye but didn't realize they were about 20 days past their due date until they started popping open in the boiling water. The day absolutely flew by.

I think I have pms because I almost started crying several times today over things that normally wouldn't make me cry.

Someone that my mom knows is dying of cancer. She has probably 2 weeks left to live. Yesterday, when the priest came to her room to council her, he asked her if there was anything he could do for her. She asked the priest if he could marry her to her long term, live in boyfriend. He said of course he would and he married the couple on the spot.

Today, at the hospital where she is staying, where she used to be an executive, they threw her a wedding reception. They had the whole floor decorated in white balloons, brought food, even draped her in a white blanket so she could look like she was wearing a wedding dress. One woman even made her a veil.

During the festivities this woman asked my moms friend, the sister of the groom, if she was mad that she had married her brother. My mother's friend said that she couldn't be happier for her and her brother. Of all the things to think about during a celebration in your honor, when you have two weeks to live.

Tomorrow they are taking her home.

I am trying hard not to cry. Its amazing how little the average person appreciates about the little things. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by how fortunate I am when I hear stories like that woman.

When I was little, I think I was 8, an old woman in front of me in line, at the supermarket was trying to buy english muffins and bread. She didn't have enough money to purchase both so put one back and paid for what she could afford. I started to cry. My dad asked me what was wrong as we were walking out and I explained to him what had happened in line. He tried to comfort me by telling me that older women don't like to carry a lot of money around when they go out and that she probably would come back with more to make the purchase.

Good lord, if I continue thinking about this stuff I'll be slitting my wrists before sunrise. I am surely suffering from PMS :) Both my angels are sleeping and I am leaving for my trip in 3 days. I get to see Eddie in 5. I need to cheer myself up so I'm going to sign off now and waste time.

********************

Eddie called at 9pm. I arrived home at 9:15. Instead of telling him to call his mom's house...because I had told my dad that was where I would be...he told him that I didn't have my cell, talked to him for a little bit and nothing else.

DAMN IT!!!!

Hopefully he'll be able to call tomorrow.

Now, the good luck. I got both of my federal income tax returns today! I didn't think we'd have a comfortable spending cushion in the bank but now we have a $6700 cushion! Sometimes, being poor pays off. Thank you IRS.

I am super irritable. I'm not being nice to the boys. I need to snap the fuck out of it. I love these little squeakers.

2 days until we leave, 4 till I see Eddie

Some items redacted

Ok, I should be working on cleaning but the cats on my pj's are ordering me to sit and do nothing but surf the net and send pics of me and my beautiful boys

Ok.. I am going to motivate myself and get off my arse, take a shower and do something! Its so dreadful outside compared to yesterday.

6 DAYS UNTIL I GET TO SEE MY LOVE!

************
Damnit. I again have whittled away time reading about other people. Its amazing how absolutely engrossing it can be. I'm remaining pretty invisible but have added a few people to my friends because I really enjoy reading the things and the way they write.

Its 11:41 and Ryan is sleeping. I should be sleeping because I am exhausted. I got absolutely nothing done today.

I decided to take a ride with the kids and ended up going to stockton to see the house my grandfather lived in. I also decided to test my very reliable memory and find the cemetery both my nana and pop pop are buried in. I amazed myself by finding it and then remembering that they had a pink headstone and found it.

I have not been to that cemetery since I was around 8 years old. I forgave, finally, and it felt really good. People are fucked up. Stuff happens. All of the people who poisoned me did so because of things that had happened to them before they ever met me. I don't really have any anger left. I feel more sorry for those people then hate or anger. Does that mean I'm healing? I think it is more of a bi-product from the incredible gratitude I have for the wonderful things in my life. I feel like the luckiest woman on earth about %95 of the time. I am so grateful for the wonderful live I am blessed with that I can't help but let the joy fill the entirety of my heart.

I still dwell way too much in the past. I'm working on that. I get nervous thinking about the universe planning to play a cruel joke on me because of how absolutely deliriously happy I am with my kids and husband. I worry a lot about their safety. I want to protect my children from cruelty that they will inevitably face as they get older because of the memories of how tortured I felt when people were cruel to me. I think that would kill me. I still think regularly about the bad things I've done to people and often think about trying to apologize for what an ass I was at the time.
4 DAYS until we leave on our trip. My dad made reservations today at a hotel that we will spend the night in Monday morning. If I leave as early as I want to we should start our trip at 5am (most likely 7am...I know my true limitations). We probably won't get to our hotel until 9pm. The next day we drive through to Ft. Benning.

Wed morning at 9am we get to see my baby! Its going to be bizarre seeing him. Hearing his voice is alien at this moment. Since Feb 23rd we've only spoken once on the phone. I haven't laid eyes on him...not even a recent photo...since 2/10. I miss him so much when I stop to think about it that it hurts. I don't think about how much I miss him very often or I would literally stop functioning.

I have this secret fear that he'll look at me and think I'm uglier then he remembered. I'm still in my spring blooming stage and not looking at my best. I have lost 10ish pounds since he left on the positive side. My skin looks as bad as ever and my hair is growing out so it doesn't look so hot. I can't fix my skin until Ryan stops nursing which isn't happening anytime soon. Bah. I'm crossing all of this out to send a message to the universe that I am going to mentally cross these negative thoughts out too.

Who said HTML couldn't be a spiritual tool.

Eek. 12 midnight exactly. I'll write more tomorrow