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Ok, I should be working on cleaning but the cats on my pj's are ordering me to sit and do nothing but surf the net and send pics of me and my beautiful boys

Ok.. I am going to motivate myself and get off my arse, take a shower and do something! Its so dreadful outside compared to yesterday.

6 DAYS UNTIL I GET TO SEE MY LOVE!

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Damnit. I again have whittled away time reading about other people. Its amazing how absolutely engrossing it can be. I'm remaining pretty invisible but have added a few people to my friends because I really enjoy reading the things and the way they write.

Its 11:41 and Ryan is sleeping. I should be sleeping because I am exhausted. I got absolutely nothing done today.

I decided to take a ride with the kids and ended up going to stockton to see the house my grandfather lived in. I also decided to test my very reliable memory and find the cemetery both my nana and pop pop are buried in. I amazed myself by finding it and then remembering that they had a pink headstone and found it.

I have not been to that cemetery since I was around 8 years old. I forgave, finally, and it felt really good. People are fucked up. Stuff happens. All of the people who poisoned me did so because of things that had happened to them before they ever met me. I don't really have any anger left. I feel more sorry for those people then hate or anger. Does that mean I'm healing? I think it is more of a bi-product from the incredible gratitude I have for the wonderful things in my life. I feel like the luckiest woman on earth about %95 of the time. I am so grateful for the wonderful live I am blessed with that I can't help but let the joy fill the entirety of my heart.

I still dwell way too much in the past. I'm working on that. I get nervous thinking about the universe planning to play a cruel joke on me because of how absolutely deliriously happy I am with my kids and husband. I worry a lot about their safety. I want to protect my children from cruelty that they will inevitably face as they get older because of the memories of how tortured I felt when people were cruel to me. I think that would kill me. I still think regularly about the bad things I've done to people and often think about trying to apologize for what an ass I was at the time.
4 DAYS until we leave on our trip. My dad made reservations today at a hotel that we will spend the night in Monday morning. If I leave as early as I want to we should start our trip at 5am (most likely 7am...I know my true limitations). We probably won't get to our hotel until 9pm. The next day we drive through to Ft. Benning.

Wed morning at 9am we get to see my baby! Its going to be bizarre seeing him. Hearing his voice is alien at this moment. Since Feb 23rd we've only spoken once on the phone. I haven't laid eyes on him...not even a recent photo...since 2/10. I miss him so much when I stop to think about it that it hurts. I don't think about how much I miss him very often or I would literally stop functioning.

I have this secret fear that he'll look at me and think I'm uglier then he remembered. I'm still in my spring blooming stage and not looking at my best. I have lost 10ish pounds since he left on the positive side. My skin looks as bad as ever and my hair is growing out so it doesn't look so hot. I can't fix my skin until Ryan stops nursing which isn't happening anytime soon. Bah. I'm crossing all of this out to send a message to the universe that I am going to mentally cross these negative thoughts out too.

Who said HTML couldn't be a spiritual tool.

Eek. 12 midnight exactly. I'll write more tomorrow