Attack of the killer cockroaches

Ok, I must start this by stating a few obvious things about myself. I was raised, and for 99% of my life lived in the suburbs of NJ. In general, the only pests a person needs to worry about in Hamilton Twp are spiders, ants and fleas if you have pets.

Apparently, its hot enough down here that cockroaches are more common then people. And said cockroaches are big enough that, if you were so inclined, you could throw a collar around a cockroaches neck, teach it to walk on a leash and wave to passersby. This is something to which I am have trouble adjusting.

Last week, after I finished showering, at 1:30 am I saw a big brown spot on my carpet in the doorway, in my room. A shiver passed through me when I realized what it most probably was. I crept closer to see if it was what I thought it was and sure enough it was a 3 inch cockroach. I stood there for a minute while praying for it NOT to move and thought about what I was going to do about this intruder. I thought about the ziplock containers I had in my kitchen cabinet and resolved that I was going to catch the cockroach, carefully put the lid on the container and bring it to management to show them what I found waiting for me, in my nakedness, in the wee hours of the night. I attempted to sneak by and NOT scare it into moving but George (his name) saw me and ran for MY FREAKING BED. To someone afraid of cockroaches, there is NOTHING worse then the though of a cockroach getting lost near, under, or around your bed.

I hurried into the kitchen in my towel. I grabbed the container out of the cabinet, had enough sense not to forget the lid and prayed that GW (the cockroach) would NOT be underneath the bed, especially since my youngest was sleeping in the bed at the time. I successfully caught the cockroach, studied it for 20 minutes, realized he wasn't going to die, and put an added layer of security around the container (a ziplock bag) just in case this guy turned out to be a bionic cockroach and was able to tunnel his way out or lift the lid and leave to get all his big burly friends to kick my ass for pissing him off. He lived for 3 days, in an airtight container, in a ziplock bag, in my car, in 100+ heat.

Cockroach #2 met his fate after being sprayed with room spray, locked in a ziplock container and microwaved for 10 seconds. He was crispy and actually smelled kind of good when I ground him up in the garbage disposal.

Karma then comes to bite me in the ass. Almost literally.

Today, this morning to be exact, I decided to take a shower before the kids awoke. I was naked (as one usually is before they shower) and saw that the biggest cockroach I have ever seen, besides the ones at the Philadelphia Zoo, waiting to take a shower as well. Being the seasoned cockroach killer (sing that one to the tune of cop killer) I decided on my method of trapping with ziplock container and then disposal by experimentation. This particular cockroach was so large that when he attempted to escape via the drain, he didn't fit. Cockroach #3 could not swim (I figured since he wanted to take a shower in the first place, we would see if he could swim and he most definitely could not) so he also went into the garbage disposal. Nearly being proud of myself for not freaking out, I went into the bathroom to continue with my planned shower.

I dropped my towel, started the water, stepped into the tub and shut the shower curtain. Out of nowhere a cockroach flies onto me (I am TOTALLY NOT KIDDING) and I subsequently freak the fuck out. I started to scream at the top of my lungs. My arms flailed while I flung this interloper off of me into the tub. I literally jumped out of the tub (while screaming) and grabed the shower head and attempted to drown him. I put the water on to hot and kept at it until he eventually washed down the drain. I received a scratch in the fracas but managed otherwise to be physically unharmed. Trembling I called management and asked for them to please send the bug guy out again because I was attacked in the shower by a cockroach after I killed his friend.

As I write this I am feeling phantom stuff crawl on my skin. I am also scanning the floor, walls and ceiling of my apartment to make sure that I don't have to pull out my shiny new can o' raid to teach any cockroaches bent on revenge a lesson. I love this apartment and I don't know how I am going to get used to 2-4 inch bugs being in here.