By I. M. Tolerant associated press news
VATICAN CITY-
The vatican was in an uproar today when it was discovered that Pope John Paul II has been dead for over three years, and that a right-wing conservative think tank has been preserving his body and using anamatronic implants to move his mouth during press conferences and appearances.

Catholics throughout the world mourned the death of the pope while expressing their anger for the cover-up of his death. While most people were angry, not many were surprised. Barbie Pilidiccio, of West Polehoke, Virgina, was found in tears at Our Lady of Perpetual Discrimination. "I knew he seemed old. He was kind of bent over. His press conferences were a little strange", she went on, "but I would have never guessed that he was dead.

An investigation was launched to discover who was behind the deception. Although, at this time, information remains sketchy, it is thought that Jerry Fallwell is the head of the think tank, Dr. Laura Schlessinger was behind the anamatronic controls of the Pope's movements, and Charlton Heston was acting as the voice of the Pope.

When reached for comment, Heston said, "It was tough to learn Latin and Italian but it was worth it to keep all those fags from ruining the sanctity of marriage and keep those pinko lesbians from ripping the guns out of our hands."

Dr. Schlessinger was not able to be reached for comment, but instead posted a reply on her website. "We did what we thought was right and would do it again in a heartbeat. Being gay is just wrong. Way wrong. Way more wrong then taking nude photos of yourself when you are young and have a beautiful body, even if those photos resurface years later and threaten to ruin your career. If you are wondering how we kept his skin from decaying, please check out my new line of age defying treatments. You can order them by following this link and using our secure checkout for your order"

There will be an on going investigation of the methods used to keep the Pope's skin from decaying and exactly how the anamatronics in his face worked. Its not known if any of the members of the think tank will be formally charged with any offenses, but it is thought, that if they are, they will receive a full pardon from President Bush. The President, after his conference in the rose garden today, when asked what he thought of the breaking news said, "I don't know what happened, but I wish I would have thought of it first."