I'm having trouble thinking of a way to start this. I'm a little over emotional because I've been depriving myself of sleep. Everything that has been happening to me is amplified due to that fact. I'm tired, and I want to have a good cry.
It is beyond me why I care about certain things. Things that don't affect my life at all. Things that if I shut my eyes, would disappear. I tend to over-empathize with people and sometimes it really effects my emotions. I think about what they must be going through and it really hurts me. Mind you, these are people that if I never wanted to know about again, it could be easily done.
For example, two of the privates in Eddie's company make me very sad. They, in the past, have annoyed Eddie because of their actions (mostly military related so there is no need to really spell it out). One is tall, kind of goofy looking and doesn't have the best hygiene. He's from a rural area. I feel sorry for him because the other privates talk about him and basically aren't nice to him (pretty mean in fact). The other is a formerly medicated Addh boy who's father (a medal of honor winner) died and his mother remarried and had more children. Again, the other privates are really mean to him because of his personality. Both are really young (20-21) and both are very respectful and nice to me and my boy when I see them.
Last night Eddie mentioned to me on the phone that the tall, goofy one was asking around to use someone's phone to call his family. The people in Eddie's room were being mean and said that if he paid them $5 that they would let him use the phone. I told Eddie that I wanted him to call me back and to please let this guy use the phone. I nearly started crying.
I guess the pain of not being accepted kind of all floods back when I see situations like this. Now, I really don't give a fuck what people think about me (most of the time), but it took 28 years for me to feel this way. I think back to how much it hurt to have people make fun of me. For things I didn't mean or whatever. People were fucking horrible to me at times in my life and for some reason it still carries on into my adult life.
I am by no means saying that I am unique here. I know that probably most people in life were tortured. I was fucked up more then some. I am guessing that if you are reading this, I don't exactly need to go into detail about how much worse it could have been for me. I'm just trying at the moment to work through why I am sitting here crying.
I guess I don't blame most of the people who knew me before, for not liking me today. When I think about the way I was in my late teens and early twenties, I can't say I blame them. I am amazed that Eddie is still with me after the way I was. I was a train wreck before. I was a wounded girl and everything was motivated by trying to fix or forget how hurt I really was. Every action was a reaction to being hurt the first time. When someone steals your innocence, it kind of does that to you.
Fuck. I'm fortunate in that once I get it out, its out. I don't tend to dwell on things once they are written down. I've never really gotten this out.
Its about time that I stopped letting the memories from high school hurt me. Its time that I stopped seeking the acceptance from the few acquaintances I have left from that time. I can really admire them, as I do, but the indifference of those people shouldn't bother me like it does. I am twenty eight fucking years old. Its time to let go.
And to top it all off, its been 10 years since I've graduated high school. They are planning a class reunion and while, at first, I was excited about going, I've decided not to. I could if I wanted to, but I won't. I don't need to relive the hell I felt in high school just to see the few people who I liked.
Ugh. Maybe it is time for me to visit a therapist again. Maybe this is my answer to therapy, just much cheaper. Maybe I just need something other than this void of time until we are somewhere for more then a few months. Maybe I just need to have a sense of something to work toward to rather then something to work through.
When I read through my journal entries to attempt to correct punctuation, grammar etc. I get disgusted. I get disgusted at how pitiful it all sounds. I wonder if anyone has made it this far.
***************8
Ok. Thought about it some. Everything below (ie: earlier post) is pretty minute compared to what I found out today. There's a pretty good chance that Eddie might be stationed somewhere in Germany where he's in Bosnia for 1/2 of the year.
Fucking Yay.
All the accumulation is so small compared to the thought of having to go through being without him for half the year.
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