Last night I had a dream about a friend of mine, who died very suddenly a few years ago. In my dream, we were just spending time together. I knew he was dead. He did too. I thought to myself in the dream, "I will always have a special place in my heart for you. I loved you like a brother" He said out loud "I know you do." and hugged me. I started to cry and he said "Its time for me to go" and I woke up with tears in my eyes and on my pillow.

Afterward, I could't fall back asleep. I laid awake, in bed thinking of a way to express my dream. It came to me in verse but I didn't bother writing it down or trying to recollect it here. My poetic license was revoked a while ago.

I don't, at this point in my life, believe in life after death. Dreams like that come to me often but don't convince me that there is another side. Its hard for me to write about it because the thought of death has always been very scary to me. I know that once it happens I won't know, but, thinking of all I will leave behind gets me choked up every time. As I sit here and type this, I have tears in my eyes.

Nothing would make me happier then to convince myself that my "spirit" will go on, but I just can't believe it. I was very devoutly spiritual before my sons were born but since then I have not been able to connect with anything. I often pray for some sign or some solace, something to make me believe just to ease my mind. I think that religion is just a way to make people accountable for their actions in this life and a way to soothe people about the idea of death. Can you imagine what kind of world we would live in if people knew that once they were dead, that was it?

I read a study that said that the phenomenon of the light at the end of the tunnel people experience in near death episodes is just their brain being derived of oxygen. They had test pilots report the same experiences when they were also deprived of oxygen.

I've never had an experience with a ghost but once I swear I heard my nana call my mother's name shortly after she died.

I feel like a lost sheep on a run away train that is getting ready to screech to a halt at the end of a line that is way too short.
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I am absolutely dizzy with all of the things we need to do to move to Germany. For starters, most likely none of the appliance we have can be used, even with converters...I think. That is the thing tho, I just don't know.

There is so much to do and know and so little time to find it all out.

I'm very excited about going but nervous because I have no freaking clue what I'm doing. I need to find someone here who can tell me what to expect. I guess I have to check in with ACS (Army Community Service) ugh.

Dr's apt for kiddles tomorrow. Going over the vaccination thing. Hopefully we can get this all squared away and I can get the kids registered for the childcare service.

Eddie should be requesting paperwork to live with us. They are pushing his phase 5+ up because of the Fourth of July weekend. Usually they don't get it until week 11. He's in week 7 or 8 now (I lost count). It will be so nice to have him here most of the time. Especially with his schedule. He'll leave at 4pm for school, come home at midnight and be here the rest of the time.

I've been overindulging because I've been depressed. If I can get the child care squared away it will give me time to work out, walk or whatever. I'm thinking more along the lines of gym, because I have a feeling the sun is much closer to the earth in Augusta. Its about 95 degrees here whenever the sun is out, which lately is making for amazing humidity. It doesn't exactly rain here. The sky opens up, buckets of water drop out, sometimes loud claps of thunder accompany and then the sun comes back out again...full force. Its 95 with water on the ground, which quickly evaporates into the air and covers you like a towel fresh out of the dryer that wasn't finished drying yet.

So as you can all see I am very scattered today. I know one thing though, I'm thankful Eddie passed his test and delirious with joy that we can be together off that base.