Eddie has a job. He'll be working for a defense contractor doing top secret stuff with computers, in Southern Maryland. We got everything we asked for. We will be living where the Potomac River and Chesapeake Bay meet.

He's not officially done with his active duty obligation until Feb. 19th. He will start his job January 12th. After his active duty obligation is over, he'll be in the reserves for a year. He has a contract of stabilization for a year which means he won't deploy. We will be back in Jersey once a month on the weekend starting in March.

I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday.

Avery turned 10 yesterday. He is the most amazing young man I have ever met.

Sometimes I feel like I haven't accomplished anything since I graduated high school. I feel like I took the easy way out by getting married and having babies and not working. When I look at my children and the amazing little people they are turning out to be, it makes me feel like I have done something after all. They are both so intelligent both emotionally and scholastically. They both have a great sense of humor and often make me laugh until my sides split. They often say things to me that make my jaw drop or a tear streak down my cheek.

All I need is my family. I could be car-less, money-less and living in a cardboard box and I'd be happy that the people I love and care about are with me. I know that isn't what life has in store for me though. I am looking forward to owning our own house and being financially prosperous. I am looking forward to leaving this place and going back home.

I often say that I am a lucky bitch and I believe that with every bit of my being.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/kellyjackson/blog#ixzz0yPsZLr00

Leaving Colorado...
Current mood: confused

So... it seems that we aren't meant to stay in Colorado after all. I have such mixed emotions about this. I am very excited to be closer to my family and finally give our boys the chance to bond with their grandparents and Aunts and the rest of the family. All of our family is out there. I am very sad to be leaving our Colorado family behind. None of us chose this (meaning any of us that are cohabitating) more our hand was forced. I can't go into detail here but feel free to email me and ask if you are interested. It really isn't that interesting but the gist of it is that we really don't have a choice.

We were planning on visiting NJ for Christmas and now it seems that we'll be extending our visit. Eddie has started to apply for jobs in the area. We are aiming to be no more than an hour from Trenton. That gives us quite a radius to work with and with Eddie's qualifications he should not have a problem finding a job. It should actually work out perfectly because we'll still be getting paid by the army until the beginning of Feb. and our taxes will be back that month as well.

The very bittersweet thing is that we are coming full circle. We left my parents house to live in Army housing and we are going right back to where we started. The difference now is that Eddie has great training and we won't have to be there for long.

I've been in a state of brain fog for the last 3 weeks and it will probably continue until we get to NJ. I nearly forgot Avery's birthday was this Saturday simply because I had no idea what the date was. I barely have an idea of what day it is.

I haven't been out of the State of Colorado since July 2006. I just never realized that the first time I left would be for good.

I am happy, sad, nervous, excited, depressed, and elated. I am SO tired of saying good bye.

A Joke, As told by Ryan

Hey mom, I was watching Family Guy and Peter made a joke.. Do you wanna hear it?

Sure Honey.

Peter said, "Why do women have boobies?"

"So men would have something to look at when they talk to them"

*stifled giggles from Eddie and I*

Quite possibly the most boring post ever.

Ugh.. After a night of drinking, I always get the blues. Maybe it isn't exactly blue, but more like a blah, restless feeling.

Eddie is over on the couch with the covers pulled up over his head, sawing wood. We had a nice day today even though we got started late. We had an amazing weekend. Absolutely amazing.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I think we may go to the movies this weekend to see The Happening. I know they say it is an original movie but the premise sounds very similar to "The Cell" by Stephen King.

Today, at the Olive Garden, we had a manager deliver our food. He looked just like a Fairly Odd Parents character so he was dubbed, "Bobby, The Olive Garden Fairy"

I am having an absolutely amazing week. Tuesday I found my first piece of gold jewelry while treasure hunting. We went to one of the local high schools and detected under the bleachers. It is a pretty little peridot ring with a tiny diamond accent. The peridot is heart shaped and a perfect fit for my right hand ring finger. Although gold isn't usually my style, I have been wearing it because it reminds me of how lucky I am.



I started my jewelry and metalworking class on Thursday and absolutely loved it. I rode my motorcycle there which is quite an accomplishment for me. The class is downtown and I was in traffic, by myself, for the first time. I did well and didn't have any problems with my bike (Hildegard is her name, just in case you were wondering). I was very nervous at first but started to relax as I made my way downtown. After my class, which I loved (did I mention that yet?) Eddie met me at the school and we went to lunch, both on our motorcycles. We ate at my absolutely favorite place to eat and I was happy.

Friday afternoon Eddie got a long lunch and when I woke up at 10:30 he was already home. I had some errands I wanted to run so we took Hildegard and Bruno (his motorcycle) out again. I got new sunglasses at Target because the ones I grabbed at the dollar store weren't doing the job. After that we went to the motorcycle place and I finally got a proper motorcycle jacket. Because I live on base, I always have to wear a helmet, boots, gloves and a bright long sleeved shirt. I would do all of these things anyway and felt very uncomfortable just wearing my hoodie. If I were to take a spill it would certainly not protect my arms or chest.

Generally I am not a bright color kind of person but I feel different when it comes to motorcycle gear.

This is my helmet.


This is my new Jacket

The white designs on the sides have a silver glitter running through them.

As far as the boots, I wear a pair of my old Doc's. They are the only pair of boots that I have right now that don't go past my calves.


So I zoom, or should I say putter, down the street a bright, glittery, tacky mess and I love it. My next acquisition is better boots. These are already starting to wear out.

After Eddie was done work we went back out. In total, we did more than 60 miles yesterday and I finally got on the highway. My motorcycle is only a 450, two cylinder so it doesn't really have a lot of power or speed (which is fine with me!) It was up around 5000 rpms in 6th gear at 55 mph. I also had my first bug/helmet collisions-gross and apparently took a rock to the head because it chipped the paint on top of my helmet. It was so beautiful out yesterday and I was so relaxed and comfortable riding around.

Today we are heading over to our friend's house on our bikes with metal detecting gear in hand. It should shape up to be a fine day.

While riding yesterday, I looked at the mountains, belly full of Pei-Wei and thought to myself, I am really, really happy.

My brain has been a torrent of activity. Ideas and thoughts buzz around my head like bees on crack. It is so hard for me to sit down and make any of them coherent enough to make sense to anyone but me. I will start talking to Eddie in the middle of a thought which leaves him wondering what the hell I am talking about. I also will start a thought and not finish it because my mind has already hopped through 6 different thoughts before I realize that I didn't finish the original one. He likes to hear the trail the thought took before it came out of my mouth because sometimes the things I say seem so random to him.



I love to see the marks people leave behind. I love to think of Dave, in 1956 carving his mark in this tree. The tree, unknowing and uncaring grew and left Dave's mark where he put it. Dave in his chino shorts and button down shirt. I wonder if he thought about people passing his signature 50 years later and thinking of him.

What marks will I leave behind? I think this is part of my obsession with the metal detecting I've been doing lately. The only thing of value that I found this weekend was a silver band. At the picnic spot, I found a spot someone had buried their garbage. That was more interesting than the ring. A sizzelean package. Coke cans with a date of 1988. Melted beer bottles. Unwittingly, someone left their mark behind because I dug it up. Evidence of the people that went before.

History in Colorado, for American's is only around 200 years old. Having grown up on the East Coast, that history feels sparse. I know the Spanish, Native Americans and Mexican history is much older and richer than I'm giving it credit for, but the buildings aren't really here. Especially where we live. We're the East side of Colorado Springs. Everything out here is pretty new. Germany was a special treat. Wurzburg was celebrating its 1300th anniversary when we arrived. They had buildings, that in spite of wars, still stood after 1100 years. In our disposable culture, most knock down the buildings rather than restoring them. The history is gone as soon as the wrecking ball swings in order to make way for cheaper and larger structures. Something has to accommodate the exploding population of this country.

I guess this is the natural way of things. If not by human hand, nature will renew.

We drove through the beautiful, scenic countryside of Colorado. The weather was amazing and everything seemed a little bit more beautiful because of it. I think the one thing I have come to love about Colorado is the scenery. It can be overwhelming sometimes and I find myself paying extra close attention to the things we see as we drive along the dusty, dirt roads that wind through the various state parks. As enchanting as some places can be, others can be equally disturbing.



Thousands upon thousands of acres of burned trees. Standing up tall, they are a sad reminder of how beautiful they once were. One fire and millions of trees burned. The countryside bare and exposed. More than likely, this was a fire caused by a human, but these things can happen from nature too. One strike of lightening in the right conditions can set the trees ablaze. Without human intervention, even more of the trees will burn and nature will renew itself again.



If you keep going east from Colorado Springs, you drive into, what I refer to as prairie. That picture was caught during a grass fire that spread over some of the land here a few weeks ago. Eddie and I drove out toward the smoke until we found the fire. It is easy enough to find it because in that direction, the land is so flat. It is in stark contrast to the mountains toward the west. When we leave here, other than a few of the close friendships that we've maintained, I will miss the land most.

I am finally out of the woods with Mono. I haven't had a nap in over a week although Eddie has been kind to me and letting me sleep in. He's been coming home to get the kids ready for school in the morning. I've even been waking up on my own in the morning and feeling refreshed.

My latest obsession is Metal Detecting. I have been wanting a metal detector for some time now and I finally got one for my birthday. So far we haven't gone very far and most of the time have stayed on base. Today I found my first piece of real jewelry. I get so excited and it doesn't matter to me that I haven't yet found anything of real value. The piece I found today is a silver marcasite pendant of a heart. We also found a little non-precious metal charm thing that said love. All told, we've found around 10 dollars in change and a few assorted weird items including a tab bottle cap, a skeleton key, an AA 30 day sober coin, half a golf club, buttons, lots of pull tabs (those of you around my age will remember them) and lots of rusty nails. Eddie told me that he thinks it is so cute when I get excited when we dig something up. I like to think of it as modern day archeology. We've only detected three places off base and we plan to venture further down to Old Colorado City soon.

I know this makes me a geek but I own it. As my dear husband put it, I say "Yeah, I metal detect. So the fuck what!" :)

I have also signed up for College. I am registered for three classes; Spanish 1, Metalworking and Jewelry, and Psychology 101. I actually took Psych 101 and got a B before (nearly an A but I took my final late) and I've had a zillion years of Spanish starting in 2nd grade. Both of those classes are online. I am SO excited to take the metalworking class. I also have a man who is going to apprentice me in jewelry repair so it should be the perfect compliment to my class. Almost like having a private tutor. I am planning on a CLEP test or two because I tested very high on my placement test. I am an excellent test taker. Its been YEARS since I've had any formal education in English or Math but I still did well. The woman who gave me my test scores suggested the CLEP tests because it will save me time and money. A short test is so much better than taking a class.

The boys are done school next week. I am going to continue their education throughout the summer. They are both very far ahead of their classes in reading and math. Ryan needs a lot of work with his writing. I am trying to encourage Avery to start reading novels. I started very young. I think I was 8 or so when I read my first Stephen King novel. After that everything my parents had in the house was up for grabs. It is so hard to steer them toward a book when the internet calls their attention. I guess a bribe system is in order.

Eddie has less than 9 months left in the Army. LESS THAN 9!! He found a job posting for his exact job description at Ft. Monmouth. Oh, if he could get that job, I think I'd just about up and die. The chances are slim because he is still 9 months out but if we could live by the shore, I just don't know what I'd do! I might even be able to convince my sister to move there as well which would make my life perfect! A house by the shore, Eddie with a job he loves, my family around an hour away and my sister living close is my vision of the perfect life.

I'm off for now. Eddie and I are getting our drink/rockband on :D

Lame and Tired or Somebody call the WaaambulanceLame and Tired or Somebody call the Waaambulance

I searched photobucket pictures for "mono". I posted this because this is how I've been feeling lately.

A nurse from family practice left a message for me yesterday to call about my test results. I tested positive for Mono. I find all of this quite amusing because how many 33 year olds do you know that have gotten Mono. The not amusing part is
the crushing fatigue and endless sleeping I am doing. Thankfully the throat part of it is over and as long as I take care of myself, I should be ok in a month or so. My first thought was "Mono. Seriously?"
Other than sleeping, I have been keeping a pretty low profile.


I love the concept of having multiple families at one house. I think my dream would be to live on a commune where everyone would work together and live either in the same house or close proximity. I know in all actuality and practicality it doesn't always work out well, but the concept really draws me in.

I want to write more but I am going to go back to sleep for a while. Oh, one more thing.. Yesterday I went to Starbucks on base and the cashier was very new and very cheerful. Instead of saying "Hi, how are you today?", she said "How Hi are you today". I got a chuckle out of that.

I think I may give writing in here a try again. Its been a long time and honestly what has kept me from writing is that I either don’t have anything to say or the things I do have to say are of such a personal nature that I write it in my paper journal because I think no one will care.

Since Eddie has been home I’ve been in super lazy mode. I sleep a lot, hang out at the house and knit or watch TV. I am biding my time until it is time to leave Colorado.

We, or I should say I because Eddie generally is a very agreeable person and doesn’t have opinions on many things, whereas I definitely do, have decided to make our way back out east when we are finished here. I am hoping we will go no further south than DC and no further north than Mass. Obviously it will be up to wherever Eddie’s job prospects are best. For the first time in our lives, we are looking forward to a financially secure future. Eddie should be able to make a decent wage with his qualifications and experience. This all leads me to an existential crisis.

I quit esthetics school because honestly I hated giving facials. I love the dermatology aspect of it but I hate pampering people. I know this is insanely selfish but I can’t picture my entire day being filled with one person after another and their faces. I know I could have used this certificate to do other things but in general anything I would have been interested in would have required either a nursing or PA degree or a massage therapy degree.

I have been tossing and turning internally due to this indecision about what to do. I have no education to speak of and it is putting me into a sort of panic mode. Its the I-need-to-figure-out-what-I-want-to-do-because-death-is-knocking-on-my-door kind of mode. I will never forget being 17 and crying in my boyfriend’s car because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to my major to be in college. His words ring in my ears until this day "You have your whole life ahead of you. You don’t have to decide yet". What shitty advice. (I say this tongue in cheek, of course) I ended up majoring in pre-dental with delusions of being an Orthodontist. I then switched my major to Photography, just to show you how much I had no idea what I wanted to do.

There are many things I could picture myself doing but I just can’t seem to settle on one. Right now I figure it is useless to decide because we aren’t going to be here for much longer. As of the 11th, Eddie has 10 more months left in his sentence.

Speaking of his "jail time", they were going to try to deploy him again. This time with an open ended time frame. This is not going to happen. What kind of planning could he do spending the last months of his time in the Army in a war zone?

The worst part of this situation is it is all due to the poor planning of his unit. They imported no less than 5 people ineligible to deploy even though they were specifically brought in the unit for that purpose. As I have said many times before, it scares me that these people are the kind of people in charge of the defense of our country. The day he is released from the bonds of our government will not come fast enough. This being said after talking about my feelings of my life slipping away while I wallow in indecision. Such is the dichotomy of my situation. I suppose it makes total sense though because I really can’t get started on much of my own path until I know that the Army will not be able to throw any curve balls my way.

Je t’aime aujourd’hui, Plus qu’hier, Mais moins que demain

Today Eddie had a half day from work. It was such a beautiful day and Eddie suggested we go for a motorcycle ride. My motorcycle is sick (krank) so I rode on the back of Eddie's bike, much to my initial protests.

As we started on our ride, I was panicked and nervous. It was only my second time on the back of a bike and not being in control made me anxious. As we rode for a bit, I began to relax. I started to enjoy the ride for how amazing it was.

I love being that close to Eddie. I love having my hands around him. Its like cuddling at 40 miles an hour. Being that close to him makes me feel whole.

We had lunch at my absolute favorite place to eat in Colorado Springs. At lunch we talked. I told him that now, more than ever, I feel his love. There were times in our life together that I felt that I loved him more than he loved me. I couldn't understand, more specifically I felt like I didn't deserve his love. I love him so deeply and passionately that I couldn't fathom another person feeling that way about me. I know now that he does feel that way about me and nothing will ever change that.

The six months he was away started us on a path to better communication. I often fall in the trap of telling him "Please go ahead and do xyz" because that is what I think he wants. In actuality he only does it because he thinks I want him to do it. What a fool I am. I am pushing him toward something he doesn't even want or is indifferent about just because I think its what he wants. He doesn't lie to me. He doesn't hide what he feels. He is always honest with me. I always think, erroneously, that there is something below the surface. I think that he is afraid to tell me what he really wants. The truth is that he doesn't hold back. He tells me exactly what he wants. It is me that assumes he isn't satisfied when he is.

After lunch we took a long ride. I took in the sun, the wind, the mountains and all that is beautiful about this place we live. I thought about how beautiful everything is. I thought "If I were to die right now, I would die happy". I am the happiest I have ever been. My life is amazing right now and it keeps getting better.

Eddie and I are embarking on an amazing time. All of the things tying us up in drama have finally reached closure. I was finally able to give Eddie something that he's wanted for a long time. We are meeting so many new and amazing people who are adding such positive things to our lives. We are almost free of the bonds of the military and I can't even begin to describe how exciting that is. I know, in my heart, Eddie is happy with his life as I am happy with mine. And that provides me more peace than anything else.

Ok. I'm actually going to write a little. I have discovered Stumble Upon. It is my new favorite thing.

I started to get a migrane yesterday. I haven't had one of those in more than a year. For me, they start with me losing part of my vision. Its almost like part of what I can see is either underwater or snow on a TV. As soon as that hits, I take 4 advil and try to relax. If I catch it soon enough, I can usually stave off the worst part of the headache. It started in High School and kept on for a while and stopped. I had a head exam and they figured out it wasn't caused by any abnormalities. After high school, they pretty much stopped.

One time, while walking with Avery when he was around 8 months old, I tripped and fell with him in my arms. I was able to shield him from being hurt by putting my elbows out and keeping them rigid. I hurt my elbows but he was ok. He didn't even hit the ground. I was so upset over falling with him that I got a blinding migrane from it. This is when I figured out that my migranes come from stress. At that point I hadn't had a migrane in 5 years.

When Eddie joined the military not only did I start getting migranes again, and this time more frequently than I had ever had them in the past, but I started occasionally having crushing chest pain. I visited the doctor to find out that stress was causing panic attacks. Yay. I started a journey on different SSRI's starting with Zoloft (and an unvoluntary rapid detox from it because the military is stupid), Celexa (which literally made me suicidal), Prozac (which made me a zombie) and then after I arrived here, Zoloft again. Its been a love affair ever since.Zoloft works well for me and keeps me calm, cool and collected. Honestly I don't care if I have to take it forever and ever. I am much happier taking it and I am sure my family appreciates it.

Even on Zoloft I am prone to an occasional migrane. The last one I had was when I first arrived here and haven't had one since. Thankfully, yesterday, the worst part of it was very short and within an hour I felt nearly 100%. I still felt foggy brained but other than that I was ok.

Eddie surprised me by taking me out to one of my favorite restaurants, Three Margaritas. I LOVE Mexican food. Katied turned me on to Flautas and now they are my favorite. We had great food and then went to the thrift store. I got lucky and found a great pair of skis, a pair of boots that fit me, goggles and poles. The entire setup was one dollar more than it would have cost me to rent skis from Outdoor Rec. for one weekend, and if I end up hating it, I can probably sell them for 4 times what I bought them for. Eddie loves little projects so he was cleaning and tuning up my new skis.

Today all three of my boys are out on the slopes. Eddie told me that Ryan doesn't like it and Avery wants to try skiing next time. I was hoping they'd take after their dad more than their mom. I am crossing my fingers and hoping by the end of the day they like it.

I have the day to myself so I am watching "Just My Luck". Not usually my cup of Tea but I figured I'd give it a try.

"When the monsoon changes, the strength and prevailing direction of the current change too, and the loose sand of which the shifting banks are composed, on what was the lee side, being stirred up by the surf and the sea, is being swept by the current through the channels, and deposited on the opposite side, partly on the bars and partly in loose, detached heaps along the bank."

I get swept up and swept away with emotion. I know this about myself. I fall in love easily and out of love just as easily. I have fits of rage. I have fits of joy. I am frequently bored to tears and can be enraptured by simple things. I am not fearful of change and often do things to force it along. I am not ashamed of any part of myself and now feel that I no longer have to apologize for the personality traits that make me, me.

For so long I apologized for myself. I am too loud and abrasive. I express my feelings too strongly. I have trouble making decisions and often change my mind. These are things I know and things I have learned to love. I am now, at a place in my life where I no longer desire to be what someone else wants. I am happy as I am.

I spent a lot of my 20's "searching for myself". In retrospect, it seems the more time I spent searching, the less I actually found. I was always really here. I just needed to let go. I needed to own my flaws (of which there are many) and embrace them as part of what makes me who I am. I am my flaws just as much as I am my charms. I am my weaknesses just as much as I am my strengths.

I have often been swept away by drama (or situations) in an attempt to stave off boredom. I find myself wondering, what it was all for. I examine my feelings and realize they were a mirage; an invented situation to amuse myself. Eventually, exhausted by the effort of maintaining the relationships that cause me problems, I just let go. I get bored by the drama too.

In general, life for me is fairly drama free. This is due to the fact that the most important relationship of my life is nurturing, edifying and fulfilling. Over the last 12 years we have worked on communication, respect and love. I was lucky enough to find my perfect match. I tend to be lucky in all things. I am always finding myself in the right place at the right time.

Eddie and I had some issues before he left for Iraq this last time and they usually revolved around the same thing. Forgive me for being cryptic about this, but it is not the problem in this case that matters, but rather that we found a solution. We opened our minds and took an unconventional approach to find a solution and it worked. Things changed for the better and I realized I was holding on to hurt feelings that no longer mattered. I let them go and I allowed myself to heal.

Life is a constant of shifting sands and currents changing directions. It is how you navigate the waters that is important. Sometimes it is just best to let go and let the current sweep you away. Enjoy the rolling of the water; the glittering of the sun on the surface and know in your heart, whatever side of the bank you are deposited is where you are meant to be.