Everything is Illuminated

Needless to say, everything in is flux right now. I am in mourning the loss of my fantasy of an ideal. I am on the mend, thankfully, and should be right as rain in a week or two. I can't help but be sad when the Utopia begins to slip away. Or more specifically, my idea of Utopia.

I've been reading different quotes all morning to find one I wanted to add to my profile here. I find so much inspiration in the words of others.

I am finding myself feeling even more in tune and in love. I am reminded every single day of how loved and appreciated I am and how truly lucky I am to have found this so early on in my life. I realize that nothing matters except for this one thing. This one thing is so amazing that it sustains me, supports me, holds me close and gives me enough space to grow and flourish. I do not need anything but what I have. I feel as though, after months of feeling incomplete and empty, I am finally back to where I should be. My heart is full.

Without my permission or approval, it seems my life has decided to simplify itself. My life has a mind of its own.

I know there is a good reason this is happening and I am looking forward to finding out what it is. I spent so long bored that the excitement and drama was a welcome change. I can't deny the fact that I am probably better without the drama, however I will miss the excitement. I am hoping of finding more ways to continue living a more exciting life.

I will have a lot occupying myself once the kids go back to school because Eddie will be at work and I will be plunging head first into school.

fickle as a pickle

Main Entry:

fick·le

Pronunciation:

..--fi-k?l..

: marked by lack of steadfastness, constancy, or stability : given to erratic changeableness

One of my many flaws. I am fickle. Things I like today, I may not like tomorrow. I might be enamored by something one minute and disgusted by it the next, only to be head over heels five minutes after that. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that I am so easily bored.

Main Entry:

bore·dom

Pronunciation:

..--bo?r-d?m..

: the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest

Bored more accurately describes me. Weary and restless through lack of interest. Restless more than weary for sure.

One might ask themselves how I have managed to stay married to the same man for 10 years (together for 13) considering my tendencies toward being fickle and bored. That is just a testament to how special my husband is. I don't even think of him as a separate person anymore. I think of him as an extension of myself. I have spoken a great deal about this very subject so I am not going to go too much into detail here. I will say this though, he never bores me and entertains me endlessly. We are partners in crime. We have the same sense of humor so are constantly entertaining each other. He is forgiving and appreciative.

I wish often I could be more nurturing. Eddie hurt his elbow by banging it on something and after a minute or so of complaining about it I said "wahh OK Pwoor wittle Eddie hurt his pwoor elbow. Suck it up already!" I know this is awful. I know! I guess I am very lucky to have boys. They are rough and tumble. They are little hellions and that kind of fits into my style. And I do nurture them. I have a more logical approach to it though.

I am bored. I am boring myself by writing this. Off I go....

saltines are delicious

So, I'm drunk.. So what :). I don't drink that often... at least I never used to but suddenly it seems I am found drinking much more than before. Well at least after I turned 21. I sure drank a lot before that but never so much since.

I am drinking a lot and sitting downstairs in the kitchen because my husband, who doesn't really drink at all has picked up a nasty habit of drinking since he's been at home from Iraq and honestly, is upstair pouting Sincbecause he got mad at me and can't remember why. And at this point I don't care because I know he is being ridiculous and I am sitting next to a package of saltines and honestly, saltines are delicious.

Since this is a protected entry, and anyone who would read it is is someone I can trust, I can be honest here, so I am just going to spill my guts while Eddie probably sleeps upstairs half waiting for me to join him. (although I can hear movement upstairs and it may, or may not be the dogs making that noise. Judging by how drunk he was a few minutes ago, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it is the dogs because I really think he is much too drunk to be doing anything but lying in bed). I am very happy right now although I am concerned about some of the people responsible for that happiness and their own ability to find the things that make them happy and how they might actually remain in my life for a while.

I wish I could remember where I put my soda....

Soda is MIA but water is not so it will have to do for now.

Saltines are still delicious

Eddie is still upstairs and most likely sleeping in a drunken state in our room and part of me wants to go join him and part of me does not want to indulge in that kind of drunken behavior. I'm half wondering if he'll wonder where I am and come join me or if he'll just sleep upstairs until tomorrow. If history repeats itself (not necessarily the drunken part but every other part), he'll remain upstairs.

I am honestly ok if this isn't that coherant. If its not, I am sure you trusted few will uinderstand.

I am so tired. I am exhausted. Shit. If we had a couch right now I would totally crash out on it and teach someone... who shall remain nameless....a lesson about running off upstairs and sleep my own ass on the couch. Unforch we are couchless until tomorrow and so I will eventually have to suck it up and go upstairs. Maybe I will take a shower first. Showers always make me feel better and put things in a better perspective. Baths do the same, unless, of course they are interupted by bleary dirty looks and slammed doors ;). I don't think I will have to worry about that tonight though. I have a feeling that a shower will be a long and wonderful experience, uninterrupted and lovely.

Yep, I'll probably delete this whole thing unless when I sober up it makes me laugh. I usually laugh at my drunken rants so this might actually stay available for those who can actually read this.

Shit I am tired and I am making my move upstairs.

Good night my loves and I hope tomorrow finds you well

The first thing Ryan said when he came downstairs this morning was, "MOM, Aren't you excited today is the day that dad is coming home!"

Yes, I am.

I am even more excited that he is so excited.

Botulinum Toxin Type A

I felt much better today and got much more accomplished. I started the day off by watching half of an episode of Nip/Tuck (incidentally, if you don't watch that show, you are totally missing out).
Lori and I went to:
-walmart to pick up some water for her
-Kohls to pick up a bunch of stuff
-Lowes where I bought some spray paint for a chair I have
-Back to Walmart for greeting cards, tissue paper and a gift bag
-My very favorite chinese food place for lunch.

She dropped me off and I:
-Got a haircut
-Shopped the PX and got the right sized mini hair clips for my hair.
-Drove home to get the kids
-Went to a dr's appointment
-Found out I lost a total of 9 inches since the summer
-Had my Dr. talk me into Botox and got it.
-Told Dr. that I am going to school for my esthetics license and got offered a job when I am finished. He said I have "the right features" :)
-Got Retin A for the fine lines that remain
-Came home and found that my wax pot was COVERED in wax and got the brilliant idea to freeze it to make the wax easier to remove (it totally worked)
-Watched SVU and now Top Model and later Project Runway.

I know that all the cosmetic stuff I have done might seem very vain, but I do not care! I am going to fight aging with every last bit of collagen my body will produce and when I run out I intend on turning to science. I will never be one of those women where I tighten things so much I can't blink, but I am certainly going to do what I can to age gracefully.

I am going to turn in the afterschool care paperwork so after the holidays I can really start kicking ass in school. If I do that it is possible for me to go in at 8am and stay until 8pm. I know that sounds like a lot but if I can do that a few times, I will put a huge dent in the amount of hours I will need to complete the course.

If we end up staying in Colorado that will be lovely because I can have a career waiting for me. Colorado is a state where licensed estheticians can do all sorts of neat stuff like injectable fillers, strong chemical peels as long as a doctor "supervises" them. They don't actually have to be in the room but they just have to keep an eye on them. How cool is that!

Ok.. back to Top Model. Then PROJECT RUNWAY woot woot!

Ryan just came out of the bathroom and said "Mom! I just played thumbwretsling with an ant and I won five times."

Before that, Avery asked me what testicles were for. I told him that they produce testosterone and Sperm. He said "What is Sperm for". I said "To make babies". He said "Ooooohhhhh. I 'll never need that then."

18 days but you never can tell. Eddie was supposed to get a date for his arrival here on November 1st but they are now saying that they won't know until the plane arrives to get them. They all want to come home so I know when it is time to pack their things, they'll do it very quickly and be on their way. Eventually they'll start living in tents so the new crews can take over their rooms. I will be very excited because it will be a true sign that they are ready to return.

He might actually get to spend Thanksgiving here. How amazing would that be. I am already thankful for all the blessings in my life but that would just be incredible.

This will be his last time gone. Last time. No more army once his contract is up in Feb, 2009. If he plays his cards right, he may be out in December 2008. I am so ready to be done with the Military life.

I know I've said this a million times, but in the light of talk of Thanksgiving I thought I should say it again. Even though it has been very tough at times, I am grateful that Eddie joined the army. He has really blossomed in the last 5 years and it might not have been possible without his joining the military. We went from living with my parents and barely getting by to having everything we need. He's received training that will benefit him for a lifetime by giving him the confidence to succeed and the skills to get a very good job.

I am so very excited at the prospect of us having our lives back. We get to pick where we want to live and Eddie will be able to earn a good living with the skills he has. There is so much possibility in the days ahead.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/kellyjackson/blog#ixzz0yQ1fSjbB

My sister is going to be leaving me tomorrow. This sucks every single time it happens. I promise myself that I won't cry and make a fool of myself, but I still do. I'm tearing up just writing this.

Next to Eddie, she is the closest person to me. We share our childhood and our womanhood. I remember her when she was in her high chair throwing cheerios all over the living room, while the cereal fell on our eggplant purple carpet and Sesame Street played in the background. I've watched her over the years grow into a beautiful, confident woman and I love her for it.

I want to write more but the tears are starting to flow. If I don't stem the flow now, I might not stop. I hold the reigns on my emotions pretty tight. Every once in a while though, I let them slip and it is never pretty.

It is always the little stuff. Every single time I hear the song "Trouble" by Coldplay it makes me cry.

O no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said.

As soon as I get to that last line, I break down. I think of how much I miss Eddie and how, if I had known we'd be separated...if I could take back the wasting of time of when he was here..how much I want to tell him right then that I'm sorry...how I could have been better to him...

This isn't working well to stem the flow.

The ability to experience great, intense love is always coupled with the ability to experience great, intense sorrow. It is a blessing and a curse. No matter how much I hold tight the reigns, every once in a while they are bound to slip.

With this military way of life, we are constantly saying hello, goodbye. We are forced to endure profound lonliness. We leave our extended family behind, bid goodbye to our friends and watch our spouses walk out the door. We dry the tears of our little ones when they cry and explain away the fears when they say "What if Daddy dies and doesn't come home". We soldier on as single parents, far from our loved ones. We are afraid to start new friendships only to have them broken by a change in location. Every single thing is temporary in the military.

With the ability to feel intense pain comes the ability to feel intense pleasure. The feeling I have when my husband returns after being gone for a long time is something most people do not experience. I know what it is like to sleep alone and miss his body next to mine. I know how much more I feel him there when he's finally home. I know what a gift it is to be able to put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat as we lay side by side. I know how amazing it is because I have done without it. I don't know that someone, who has not gone without, can fully appreciate what they have. I certainly didn't until I went without him here.

O no, what's this?

A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/kellyjackson/blog#ixzz0yQ2P5zO8

If you would have asked me when I was 17, what my life would be like, I never thought I'd..
Have been married at 22
Had a baby by 23
Had another at 26
Gotten completely over being Molested as a child.
Felt so completely in love and complete with one man
Been any part of the US Military System
Had a husband who had been off to war twice
Had enough guts to finally get a tattoo sleeve
Spent most of the last 9 years as a housewife
Moved out of New Jersey
Lived in a Foreign Country
Quit College (a few times)
Been married for 10 years by the time I reached 32...

I wouldn't trade any of it for the world.

Sometimes I just think to myself, "How the fuck did I get here?" I'm a housewife, living on an Air Force Base, Living without Eddie again, in fucking Colorado Springs. I was supposed to go to college, finish that in 4 years with plans to go to dental school. If it had all worked out as planned, I'd be an orthodontist by now. I would probably be living somewhere in NJ with a job and a house and make people's ugly teeth pretty for a living.

Every time I felt like I was taking a long turn, it led me to the right path. I am supposed to be here. I might get bored from time to time (ok, bored often) and feel like I will burst but this too will make sense. There are so many chains of events that, at first, seemed like horrible tragedies but always ended up leading us to higher ground.

Ok.. enough rambling. I have an episode of Top Model to finish!

Today was my first day back at school. I was dreading going back. I've been dreading it since 3 weeks ago. I've been trying to think of a way to get out of going back. Eddie said he'd like it if I finished so back I went.

I'm very glad I went. I absolutely love doing what I do there. It felt like second nature and I wasn't as rusty as I thought I'd be. When Eddie called, at the end of my school day, I thanked him for his encouragement to go back.

Speaking of Eddie, I would like him to know how grateful I am for how supportive he's been lately. He's always been supportive, but lately he has really gone out of his way. I guess it means more now because he's not here physically.

When we are separated, which in the last four and a half years, has been often we make a stronger and more meaningful connection. It hurts more each time he leaves, but in another way it is easier. First time, we spoke only through letters. I planned my days around his letters arriving. Tuesday through Saturday I would get letters. Tuesday I would get 3. It would be the letters from the previous Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I would wait for the mail person. She usually arrived around three pm. One especially torturous stretch, after the huge, gigantic blizzard we had that year, I had to wait an extra 5 days for a letter. The mail carrier (sounds better than mail person doesn't it?) refused to walk down our street to deliver mail because of the "treacherous" conditions.

That time I made a routine. Avery was in school from 11:30 - 3:00. As soon as the bus picked him up from the house, Ryan and I got in the car. I would stop at Dunkin Donuts for an iced coffee and occasionally a scone. On the days I didn't have a scone, I would stop by Mc Donalds for a Ceaser salad with balsamic dressing. I then drove to my favorite place at the time, Stacy Park. I would pull up along side the road and watch the Delaware river as it rushed past. I would write my letter for the day to Eddie and then take Ryan for a walk down the trail, along the River. At this point, he was usually asleep. I would walk 2.2 miles and go back home to get Avery off the bus.

Now, if you know me at all, I don't exactly have the regimental type of personality. I usually live in some state of chaos, not bothered by my lack of routine. For some reason, this was the only thing that kept me going. I had something each and every day to look forward to. I enjoyed the beauty which is so unique to Trenton. Its a mixture of high hopes from long ago and an especially sad decay. It is the kind of decay that hurts when you realize that the beautiful buildings that were built a hundred years ago, that held so many people with class, are now crumbling, being eaten by termites, crack dealers, welfare and neglect.

My grandmother lived in Trenton her whole life. She came of age in 1933, back when Trenton was beautiful. Downtown was alive with shops, theaters, venues, hotels and nightlife. She told of Frank Sinatra before he was famous performing while my grandpop and her watched. She would scoff at the women walking down the street with their hair in curlers and remark how, years ago, you would never be caught walking down those streets with curlers in you hair. They used to get dressed in their finest to go downtown.

These thoughts and my routine kept me going. I made it through. We hadn't spent one night apart in 8 years. Then he was gone. No phone calls, no email, just letters. I felt like I was closer to him than ever when those letters came. It reminded me of how much he had sacrificed for our family so we could have a good life.

It wasn't but two days shy of a year of his enlistment date that they shipped him to Iraq. Every single day that went by I worried for his safety. Every time I though about how much time I had left to endure, my heart broke. Every time I thought about how long it had been since our last physical contact I would cry. When I thought of him going without positive physical contact for so long, I would cry for him. I don't know what kept me going that time. I was alone in Germany so eventually I went home to NJ. Things got so bad at home that I flew back to Germany two weeks before Christmas. I spent Christmas virtually alone but at that point, I was in the home stretch. One day blended into another and eventually it was over. He was home.

During this time we had a lot of contact. He could call me. He had near constant internet access so we chatted back and forth. This deployment taught me that every second with him is precious. We finally knew how much we hated being apart. It felt like half my physical body was missing. It was like a tooth aching in a jaw bone. (10pts if you can name the artist and song quoted there... no cheating)

This time I don't worry about his safety. I know he's in a good place. He's got an easy job that doesn't require convoying all over Iraq. I chat with him there too. This time, it is the support I am getting from him that is helping me through. Eventually this one will be over too and we'll be even stronger.

There are times where I wish we could be one person. It would be the only way for us to be closer than we already are.


I have been very, very happy lately in spite of the deployment. I finally feel like I am 100% who I am. The inside and the outside match. There is an incredible serenity in being that comfortable in your own skin.

Its 5am and I can't sleep. I tossed and turned all night. Several things are breaking my heart.

More than likely Eddie's stay in Iraq is being extended until December. I know that I'm being a cry baby about it, because honestly I'm doing ok and it could, and has been much worse. I just miss him so much. He is my best friend, my soul mate and all that mushy stuff. Having him so far away, to put it bluntly, just sucks. I honestly thought, this time, we'd get to spend our anniversary together. After all, it was our tenth this year.

My boys are starting school this year. Pretty soon, Ryan will be 6, and Avery, 9, and they are in first, and fourth grade respectively. I get very nostalgic at the beginning of every school year and start leafing through baby pictures and with each one I realize how big they've gotten. Part of me wishes they could stay small forever.

I do have some things to look forward to. This weekend, Lori and I are going out to Cripple Creek (the place out here where you can gamble) because they are having an ceremony honoring soldiers here that were nominated for Soldier of the year. We have a hotel room and although our Saturday is booked solid with events, it should be a wonderful time.

My mom is coming for a visit on the 24th. I really enjoy having her here, especially since I can't get to New Jersey to see her.

I can not wait for all this army shit to be over with. I want our lives back. I don't want to be owned by the government any more. I am always thankful for the things that this life has given us, and I know times like this are the price we have to pay, but I am ready to move on, and I know Eddie is too. Keep your eyes open for more pictures. Eddie is unloading our camera and I'll be getting a bunch of new ones.

This was last night after I had gone to bed. You might have to watch this to understand it.


edjitsu (7/2/2007 1:59:40 AM): hey, sorry
edjitsu (7/2/2007 1:59:50 AM): i had a bad headache after work yesterday and went right to bed
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:00:00 AM): sorry to hear about houdini
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:00:09 AM): what
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:00:16 AM): what what
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:01:48 AM): houdwhatumacallit
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:01:55 AM): avery?
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:02:03 AM): yes
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:02:10 AM): hi kiddo
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:03:46 AM): getting ready to go eat lunch, just wanted to say hi. what are you doing?
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:04:10 AM): bad news 1 rat died
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:04:19 AM): i heard. thats sad
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:05:13 AM): what about http://hallpass.com/media/rejectedwiiplaygames.html
BUZZ!!!
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:05:46 AM): mom showed me that, funny
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:06:40 AM): wich part is your fav
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:06:46 AM): all of them
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:07:29 AM): mine prostate exam
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:07:36 AM): eww
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:08:25 AM): have you had a you know
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:08:35 AM): no
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:08:45 AM): why
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:09:00 AM): that usually starts around 40 years old
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:09:57 AM): mom does she have one
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:10:03 AM): no, only men do
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:10:10 AM): why
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:10:29 AM): the same reason only men have a penis
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:10:35 AM): o
Ms Jackson (7/2/2007 2:10:47 AM): i google
edjitsu (7/2/2007 2:11:23 AM): im gonna run to lunch now, ill talk to you later

Eddie is going back to Iraq on June 1. I'm staying positive about it because it should only be for 120 days (which is nothing compared to a year+ which is the typical deployment now). Although I totally freaked when we thought it was going to be on April 26th, I'm totally fine now. We'll have a little extra money, which will come in handy for paying off my school tuition, the rest of our first car and maybe make an advance payment or two on the new car (oh and tattoo money!).

I'm in Esthetics School right now. It is going very well and I'll be able to take my first clients this week. I'm debating on whether or not I want to also attend massage school after I finish this. It will make me much more employable and to be honest, now that we are dabbling in massage, I think I might be interested in learning more. It will really depend on how long the program is, how much school will cost and what kind of job I can find once I finish this program. Tomorrow, I'm going to be learning Advanced Chemical Peels, which is a separate certification and later Microdermabrasion and Micropigmentation (permanent makeup).