My sister is going to be leaving me tomorrow. This sucks every single time it happens. I promise myself that I won't cry and make a fool of myself, but I still do. I'm tearing up just writing this.

Next to Eddie, she is the closest person to me. We share our childhood and our womanhood. I remember her when she was in her high chair throwing cheerios all over the living room, while the cereal fell on our eggplant purple carpet and Sesame Street played in the background. I've watched her over the years grow into a beautiful, confident woman and I love her for it.

I want to write more but the tears are starting to flow. If I don't stem the flow now, I might not stop. I hold the reigns on my emotions pretty tight. Every once in a while though, I let them slip and it is never pretty.

It is always the little stuff. Every single time I hear the song "Trouble" by Coldplay it makes me cry.

O no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said.

As soon as I get to that last line, I break down. I think of how much I miss Eddie and how, if I had known we'd be separated...if I could take back the wasting of time of when he was here..how much I want to tell him right then that I'm sorry...how I could have been better to him...

This isn't working well to stem the flow.

The ability to experience great, intense love is always coupled with the ability to experience great, intense sorrow. It is a blessing and a curse. No matter how much I hold tight the reigns, every once in a while they are bound to slip.

With this military way of life, we are constantly saying hello, goodbye. We are forced to endure profound lonliness. We leave our extended family behind, bid goodbye to our friends and watch our spouses walk out the door. We dry the tears of our little ones when they cry and explain away the fears when they say "What if Daddy dies and doesn't come home". We soldier on as single parents, far from our loved ones. We are afraid to start new friendships only to have them broken by a change in location. Every single thing is temporary in the military.

With the ability to feel intense pain comes the ability to feel intense pleasure. The feeling I have when my husband returns after being gone for a long time is something most people do not experience. I know what it is like to sleep alone and miss his body next to mine. I know how much more I feel him there when he's finally home. I know what a gift it is to be able to put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat as we lay side by side. I know how amazing it is because I have done without it. I don't know that someone, who has not gone without, can fully appreciate what they have. I certainly didn't until I went without him here.

O no, what's this?

A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

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