I'm Back and Finally joined modern society

And exhausted. Didn't get in until 5am

My husband rocks. I LOVE HIM

There is just something about THAT man in a uniform!!

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I've been avoiding getting a cell phone for quite a while but finally caved in this weekend. Eddie and I got two lines and can txt each other without spending minutes. I can talk to him through the web and its almost like instant messaging. Its nice..and very different from his being in basic training.

I'm moving. We discussed it over the weekend and although the army doesn't recommend it, we'll be relocating to Fort Gordon, GA (ie: Augusta) within the next month. After he is through with phase 4 (in aprox a month), he'll be able to spend the weekends with us. After that he can live with us.

I'm literally falling asleep at the keys so I'll write more about the graduation experience tomorrow.

I got a lot done today. I'm almost completely done packing. I got 4-5 days worth of clothing for me and the kids packed in one suitcase. Mailed my last letter to Eddie until after our trip. Got a letter back that couldn't be delivered. Funny, I sent about 50 other letters to the same exact address and they didn't have a problem making it there. Deposited the last payment that I've received for this round of ebay stuff I sold and mailed that out. Bought some last minute things for the easter baskets. Rotated the kids clothes from winter to summer and rearranged the clothes in storage. Did almost all of the laundry I had left to do (aprox 7 loads). I have about 3 more left. I even took the kids to pizza hut for lunch.

Whom said that Stay at Home moms don't do anything all day has no idea what we do in a day.

I tried to boil eggs today to dye but didn't realize they were about 20 days past their due date until they started popping open in the boiling water. The day absolutely flew by.

I think I have pms because I almost started crying several times today over things that normally wouldn't make me cry.

Someone that my mom knows is dying of cancer. She has probably 2 weeks left to live. Yesterday, when the priest came to her room to council her, he asked her if there was anything he could do for her. She asked the priest if he could marry her to her long term, live in boyfriend. He said of course he would and he married the couple on the spot.

Today, at the hospital where she is staying, where she used to be an executive, they threw her a wedding reception. They had the whole floor decorated in white balloons, brought food, even draped her in a white blanket so she could look like she was wearing a wedding dress. One woman even made her a veil.

During the festivities this woman asked my moms friend, the sister of the groom, if she was mad that she had married her brother. My mother's friend said that she couldn't be happier for her and her brother. Of all the things to think about during a celebration in your honor, when you have two weeks to live.

Tomorrow they are taking her home.

I am trying hard not to cry. Its amazing how little the average person appreciates about the little things. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by how fortunate I am when I hear stories like that woman.

When I was little, I think I was 8, an old woman in front of me in line, at the supermarket was trying to buy english muffins and bread. She didn't have enough money to purchase both so put one back and paid for what she could afford. I started to cry. My dad asked me what was wrong as we were walking out and I explained to him what had happened in line. He tried to comfort me by telling me that older women don't like to carry a lot of money around when they go out and that she probably would come back with more to make the purchase.

Good lord, if I continue thinking about this stuff I'll be slitting my wrists before sunrise. I am surely suffering from PMS :) Both my angels are sleeping and I am leaving for my trip in 3 days. I get to see Eddie in 5. I need to cheer myself up so I'm going to sign off now and waste time.

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Eddie called at 9pm. I arrived home at 9:15. Instead of telling him to call his mom's house...because I had told my dad that was where I would be...he told him that I didn't have my cell, talked to him for a little bit and nothing else.

DAMN IT!!!!

Hopefully he'll be able to call tomorrow.

Now, the good luck. I got both of my federal income tax returns today! I didn't think we'd have a comfortable spending cushion in the bank but now we have a $6700 cushion! Sometimes, being poor pays off. Thank you IRS.

I am super irritable. I'm not being nice to the boys. I need to snap the fuck out of it. I love these little squeakers.

2 days until we leave, 4 till I see Eddie

Some items redacted

Ok, I should be working on cleaning but the cats on my pj's are ordering me to sit and do nothing but surf the net and send pics of me and my beautiful boys

Ok.. I am going to motivate myself and get off my arse, take a shower and do something! Its so dreadful outside compared to yesterday.

6 DAYS UNTIL I GET TO SEE MY LOVE!

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Damnit. I again have whittled away time reading about other people. Its amazing how absolutely engrossing it can be. I'm remaining pretty invisible but have added a few people to my friends because I really enjoy reading the things and the way they write.

Its 11:41 and Ryan is sleeping. I should be sleeping because I am exhausted. I got absolutely nothing done today.

I decided to take a ride with the kids and ended up going to stockton to see the house my grandfather lived in. I also decided to test my very reliable memory and find the cemetery both my nana and pop pop are buried in. I amazed myself by finding it and then remembering that they had a pink headstone and found it.

I have not been to that cemetery since I was around 8 years old. I forgave, finally, and it felt really good. People are fucked up. Stuff happens. All of the people who poisoned me did so because of things that had happened to them before they ever met me. I don't really have any anger left. I feel more sorry for those people then hate or anger. Does that mean I'm healing? I think it is more of a bi-product from the incredible gratitude I have for the wonderful things in my life. I feel like the luckiest woman on earth about %95 of the time. I am so grateful for the wonderful live I am blessed with that I can't help but let the joy fill the entirety of my heart.

I still dwell way too much in the past. I'm working on that. I get nervous thinking about the universe planning to play a cruel joke on me because of how absolutely deliriously happy I am with my kids and husband. I worry a lot about their safety. I want to protect my children from cruelty that they will inevitably face as they get older because of the memories of how tortured I felt when people were cruel to me. I think that would kill me. I still think regularly about the bad things I've done to people and often think about trying to apologize for what an ass I was at the time.
4 DAYS until we leave on our trip. My dad made reservations today at a hotel that we will spend the night in Monday morning. If I leave as early as I want to we should start our trip at 5am (most likely 7am...I know my true limitations). We probably won't get to our hotel until 9pm. The next day we drive through to Ft. Benning.

Wed morning at 9am we get to see my baby! Its going to be bizarre seeing him. Hearing his voice is alien at this moment. Since Feb 23rd we've only spoken once on the phone. I haven't laid eyes on him...not even a recent photo...since 2/10. I miss him so much when I stop to think about it that it hurts. I don't think about how much I miss him very often or I would literally stop functioning.

I have this secret fear that he'll look at me and think I'm uglier then he remembered. I'm still in my spring blooming stage and not looking at my best. I have lost 10ish pounds since he left on the positive side. My skin looks as bad as ever and my hair is growing out so it doesn't look so hot. I can't fix my skin until Ryan stops nursing which isn't happening anytime soon. Bah. I'm crossing all of this out to send a message to the universe that I am going to mentally cross these negative thoughts out too.

Who said HTML couldn't be a spiritual tool.

Eek. 12 midnight exactly. I'll write more tomorrow

Some of this is missing.

_Redacted Entry_

On another note, my kids and I had the most wonderful day! We enjoyed the hell out of the fleeting weather and I am so thankful we had two beautiful days outside on this week that Avery is off from school. I will enjoy my children when they are young. I am smart. Housework and domesticity can wait...forever as far as I am concerned.

done! and Josh and life

Cleaned the whole damn room! And smudged too!! First time for that room. That was the room I had growing up here and there were more then a few "bad energies" to get out of there. Actually not bad memories in my room (mostly good ;)) but people who stepped out of my life for whatever reason and I guess I was overdue to bid their energies goodbye.

When I smudge in this room after I clean the smudge stick will probably catch fire. This was my parents room and its nothing but pent up bad energy.

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Ok. Confession. I am obsessive about tracking down people on Google. I love to see where people pop up on the net. Especially ex-boyfriends. Why? Because I am mentally bored out of my damn skull since Eddie's been gone.

Sometimes, when you go looking for something, you just might find it. Here is my discovery of a very unpleasant memory of 8 months of my life.


Whee! He was my boyfriend for 8 of the most miserable months of my life. At the time I was a skinhead. A NON RACIST skinhead. I thought he was really cute. He had beautiful eyes and lips, and at the time, he didn't have as many facial tattoos as he does now. He only had the tear drop under his eye. Oh and most notably a tattoo on his wrist that said White Pride. Irony? Oh yes, He's half Jewish.

Josh, my boyfriend decided, very early in the morning, on December 31st, to break into a liquor store warehouse and try to steal beer. Due to the holiday, they had to push up his arraignment. They also separated him from the general population because the majority of the prison population was black, and they didn't want him to get killed over the holiday. Did I forget to mention that he's 5'6" and weighed about 120lbs? He got out later that night. My sister tells me that I came into her room crying and asking her if she had any money I could borrow to bail him out of jail. My mind had graciously blocked this detail out. I still managed to haul ass to his house so we could be together to watch the ball drop.

I went to his PTI (pre-trial intervention) hearing and he actually got off. That day, we had a huge fight over the fact that I asked him, quite innocently, if he still fit in boy sized suits (considering the inside of his jacket said "Bamberger kids". We had a HUGE fight over that comment, in the middle of the mall no less. I think I should mention after this fiasco, I stayed with him for another six months.

That only scratches the surface about him. I am 5'9" tall, and obviously we looked like a strange pair to begin with. He was a compulsive liar (I foudn this out later). He was very violent when he wanted to impress his friends (but only when he friends were there to back him up). He was INSANELY jealous. Especially over one skinhead in particular with whom, at one time, I'd had a thing with. I was still insanely attracted to this man but didn't have any intentions of acting on my feelings. It didn't help that I happened to go to college in the same city that this man lived, and that this man was very flirtatious and, in my opinion at the time, very handsome. That made for some interesting fights.

There are so many horrible events that took place in the 8 painfully long months we were together. Its hard to sort them all out. When we visited his very wealthy father in South Beach Miami, I found out that he had lied to me, a lot . He told me that he tried to choke his step mother. She told me that was absolutely not true, that she would never be in the same house with anyone who tried to assault her in that way . That pretty much was the stone that made it all come crumbling down. His game was up. We broke up shortly after the visit to his Father's.



When we broke up, we had a LONG argument. I took the train all the way to Jersey City to see him, and he greeted me by telling me that he cheated on me. We argued for aproximately 2 hours. He went back and forth about wanting to be with me and wanting to dump me. Eventually he laughed at me when I called him a slut for fucking some other girl. He laughed. I freaked. I kicked his ass.

I am much bigger then he is and at the time outweighed him by about 20 lbs. I scratched, kicked, punched, hit until he got away from me. I then (now is where logic goes out the door) called the police and told them I was assaulted...which technically I was because he tried to choke me (unsuccessfully) after I grabbed his testicles and squeezed as much as my muscles would allow.

When the police arrived, they took one look at him, one look at me and told me by the shape we were in, they should be pressing domestic assault charges against me but that I should just call a cab and go home. I did and got into a cab and sobbed to the driver and the random passenger who happened to be splitting the fare.

A week later, I saw him at a house party in New Brunswick and, as a testament to my good sense at the time, wanted to get back together with him. He was covered in scratches and his nose was all messed up. He had a soft nose because, according to him, he had to have "surgery" to correct an "old break" in his nose. According to his friends, he "wanted to take the jewish out of his nose". His mother worked for a plastic surgeon and he pretty much got the surgery for free. I remember the night we met, he had a brace on it so it was pretty fresh at the time.

He was ping-ponged between his parents at their whim, convenience, rage etc. He was sent to an all boys school The Elan School! where, according to him, he was put in school with murderers, rapists and sociopaths. His father told him he was going to skiing camp. He cried as his father pulled away and left him there. Who knows what he actually did to get sent there. Come to think of it, If he were to write the truth about his life story, that would be something I would be interested in.

His sister, whom I loved dearly, was anorexic and bulimic. She used to throw up for hours in the bathroom. She used to heave so loud that you could hear it throughout the house. She was so beautiful and she was purposely destroying herself from the inside out. Most of the time, no one would say anything while she spent hours in the bathroom. She eventually dropped to about 80lbs.

Looking back on it, I really feel sorry for what those two went through. I think about the repercussions that my grandfather's molesting me had throughout my life (like choosing partners that might not be so good for me) and I empathize with what those kids went through. I think about them bouncing back and forth between two parents that hated each other and all the damage that it did to them.

Two years after we broke up, I was dating Eddie. I had heard that Josh was working in a tattoo parlor on 4th street, so one afternoon, while I was waiting for Eddie to finish school, I decided to pay him a visit. He complimented me a lot on how nice I looked. He seemed so depressed and sad. He said that he knew he was going to end up in jail. He was right. He went to prison for burglary, has been married and divorced and now, has turned up in a strip bar near the airport (spotted by my friend Becky) and in a bar on South Street (spotted by my sister).

Irony? I met Josh the same day that I met Eddie. They both came to a party at my house after a Ramones concert. I started dating Josh shortly afterward. I fell head over heels with Eddie a year and a half after that. Funny how life works.

Long Day

Ok, its way late and I've updated my journal and info several times today (ok.. for the last two hours). I had no idea that other people would share any of my interests. I thought I was possibly the oldest person using this service but apparently I'm not. There are even a few attached parents and one person who shares 40 of my interests!

One week from this Monday we are embarking on the 14+ hour car ride to see my Darling Husband in Georgia. Avery still thinks that Georgia is a person and not a place and often draws pictures of himself holding hands with his daddy and "georgia".

My kiddles are so cute sometimes they have me in stitches. Ryan is really starting to talk and can say "stinky" very clearly. I guess with the prior sickness and very not-nose-friendly poo he heard that word quite a bit.

Avery decided half way through our shopping trip at the commissary that he had to pee. I tore off with Ryan in the cart and a half-full cart and hovered in the doorway of the ladies room to make sure he was ok. Little did I know that he would just leave the door wide open for all to see his nekkid hiney while he piddled. A woman was washing her hands so I apologized for him leaving the door open and she said "Thats not the first naked hiney I've seen and it won't be the last". I thought that was the cutest thing!

Cross your fingers and hope that my sister will stay here easter night. I don't want to have to pick her up from Philadelphia at 5 am on the day we leave.

If I don't get my sleep straightened out, I'll never be able to get up that early anyway.

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Stupid idea to consume a large iced coffee at 7pm because now I am wide awake. Ryan doesn't want to go to sleep... actually, he does want to go to sleep but he's resisting me putting him down on the bed. I finally went through the kids toys and got a HUGE mess in the room (thats how I work, and that is why I suck at domestic stuff) and I want to finish cleaning it. Its almost done, although it looks like a hurricane went through and I just need to put my little nursling down to sleep.... ack.. maybe if I turn the lights out :)

Took the little ones to the mall today. I got them new shirts to wear to Eddie's graduation. They ate ice cream, I drank some iced coffee. Life is good.

I am very excited about our trip. It should be fun. My sister is busting her ass these last two weeks because she is now working two jobs and going to two classes but that should quiet down after our little vaccation. I am expecting it to be fun and just hope that the kids hold up on the ride.

I've been extra randy lately due to the fact I believe I'm ovulating. Wee. My B.O.B.(tm) is not cutting it. Sheesh. Its sad to think I'm going to be in this drought for quite a while.

Life's been a little more fun with the hope of getting out of here.
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My Baby Called!!

Ugh. I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I am so in love with that man! It is hard to believe that we've been married for nearly 6 years and have two children. I love him so much that sometimes I find it hard to express it.

He got to call last night finally. It was sweet and shocking to hear his voice. Its like a melody that you never forget. Once you hear it, all the memories, feelings and thoughts come flooding back. I cried for most of the conversation and told him how much I loved him, how much I missed him and how proud I am of him.

I feel like all of this is surreal. It doesn't fully compute that he's been gone for so long. (and it hasn't really been that long) I feel like this is just the way things are, and I am used to parenting these kids by myself. Its going to be like heaven to be a family again. I hold on to the small things. I think about sleeping in his arms. I think about his smile and laugh, or the way he is with his sons.

I got two letters today. One, from Sunday, talked about how upset he was that he couldn't use the phone when they promised him that they could. That, in disguise, was a blessing, considering how sick Ryan was on Sunday. He would have either caught me right before I took Ryan to the hospital or while we were at the hospital, neither of which would have been good for him. He would have stewed over Ryan's condition until he heard from me about the outcome which he wouldn't have gotten until today or tomorrow. That makes 5 days of worrying which I am glad, his drill instructors helped inadvertantly protect him.

I'm freaking exhausted

Ryan was sick. Very sick. :( It started innocently enough as a cold, but he seems to have re-contracted that awful stomach flu that has been going around. On top of
that had got a pretty bad fever too. He started throwing up 9am Sunday
morning and that and diarrrhea got worse and worse. By the time 9pm rolled
around I got scared because he looked so bad.

I took him to the hospital and they gave him an IV and battery of blood tests
to make sure that he was ok. He started looking better after a while and the
spots that developed on his hands and feet disappeared. They told me to
contact my main dr (who I met today and absolutely love) but not much else.
They also lost his strep culture and didn't do a urine or blood culture which
apparently is a standard procedure but for some reason they didn't do it at the
hospital. We were there from 9pm until 5am.

Today I called the clinic (army hospital) and they were wonderful. Dr. Bodine
was worried because Ryan's white blood count was really really high according
to the results from the hospital. They re did the blood tests, sent a blood
culture (he wanted to rule out infection because of his high fever) and
attempted to take a urine sample. They catheterized him :(((( but got no urine
because when they were taking his temp earlier he emptied his bladder (and I
think mine and a few other people's judging by the amount that came out) all
over the table. Turns out that his white blood cell count is way down (in the
mildly above normal range) so I just have to watch out for fever and bring him
back if he still has one. He does :( even after a full dose of motrin its
101.5, but I'm going to give it another day and take him back Wed if the fever
doesn't subside.

The bad thing is that my poor little boy has been so sad. He's done nothing
but sleep for two days, been prodded and poked more then he has in his entire
life. His butt is so sore from the poopies that he is actually bleeding in one
spot even with liberal applications of diaper cream. He nursed twice today and
only kept down a tiny amount (he threw up the second nursing). Thankfully he
is keeping down pedialyte mixed with juice so a second dehydration doesn't seem
to be happening. On top
of it all it snowed today and I have a cold!! (pitiful aren't i?) The good
thing is that I met my son's pediatrician and think he is wonderful, love the
nurses there too. The doctor was very conservative on his treatment (asked me
if I wanted him to repeat the tests or wait it out and didn't administer
antibiotics needlessly...actually made a point to say he wanted evidence that
he had an infection before he did it because antibiotics would make his
digestive system worse and told me to go conservatively on the Motrin to avoid
a stomach reaction)


Thankfully he's feeling much better today. He's actually swatting at the keys as I try to type. He's got RAGING diaper rash from the diarrhea so every time he poops, he cries.

I just want us to be better in two weeks. I get to see MY HONEY!! First time in 9+ weeks

Screw Ritalin

I went to Avery's school today for a parent-teacher conference. They had a lot of really nice things to say to say about him like, he's bright, sweet, caring, intelligent, helpful...then they followed up with, "he has a problem controlling his anger" and "he doesn't seem able to control his impulses". I know all of this, so nothing comes as a surprise. They were urging me to speak to his pediatrician. I've never met his pediatrician, but plan on speaking to the dr about it when I take him next week. I think they were implying that I should talk to the ped. because they feel that I should medicate Avery. I will ABSOLUTELY NOT give him medication to control his behavior, especially considering he's not even 5 years old yet! How in the world does a child learn impulse control if you medicate him?

I have this idea that if you have mental issues of any kind, that it is mostly possible to learn to compensate with your brain and without medication. I feel that once medication is started that the brain overcompensates for the medication and ends up making the imbalance even worse. Its given that some people are better off with medication because it keeps them from slitting their wrists or killing people but I don't want to medicate my son so he can be part of the mainstream in school and behave like a little sheep. God, what might I be suppressing? Maybe he is like this because he is meant to do something with it when he gets older? Do I want to squash his spirit at the age of 4 and a half? Even though he might be a little challenging at times I LOVE him the way he is. I don't want to change his personality just so some teacher can manage him.

Good god.. I want an iced coffee something fierce.....I think I'm going to have to talk to my parents and see if they'll let me go AWOL for a few minutes before American Idol so I can get some. :)

No letter from Eddie today. Total disappointment but again expected due to the weekend mail break.

Happy Birthday to me!

Wow, I had an amazingly decent day. I missed the hell out of Eddie, but otherwise everyone made me feel very special. Lauren and I went to Olive Garden (and she treated!!!) but first she presented me with tiramisu (my favorite!!), and Eminem special mag (Love IT), TWO bars of Organic dark chocolate and a burts bees kit.

We went to the mall afterward and I got 3 pairs of capri pants and a cheap pair of sweat pants. I haven't had brand new clothes in forever so it felt good to get these. Thanks mom and dad.

I always have a good time when I go out with Lauren. :)

I came home and Avery had a huge goose egg on his forehead. While running around like a nut, he fell and hit his head on the kitchen cabinets. He's so cute though. I gave him some cars and he said "Oh mommy, my favorite!!! Pop Wheels!" He's now running around like a nut with his new cars in a bigger bus. He runs, then crashes the whole deal and lets the cars spill out of the bus. It won't be long before he matches the goose egg with another one on the opposite side.

All in all I had a wonderful birthday weekend. Only one thing could have made this better...Eddie could be in my arms.