Long ramblings that need out.

I'm feeling quite discontent. I think mostly because I am bored. At the moment, and for a while, my life has been on hold. There is only so much you can do when you have two small ones to take care of and don't have any relief pitchers in the bull pen.

I can't complain though. If I had to chose between serene and bored, or volatile and exciting, I think I'd choose the prior. My life has had more then its fair share of volatile, exciting, 180 mile an hour pace and although I remember those times with fondness and sometimes disgust, I'd rather my life be the way it is now.

If you asked me when I was 20 if I ever thought I'd be where I am in 8 years, I would have said "Hell fucking no!" (I used to curse a lot). I never pictured myself married. I thought I'd have children one day, but how I'd get them (I know the process but actually how they'd come into my life) I never thought of. I never had this urge to get married (not seriously anyway) but somehow, I ended up that way, before most of the people I knew.

There are only two periods in my life where I have been completely comfortable with myself. The first was my senior year in high school. I was dating this guy who pretty much stripped me of all of the "I need to be this way" ideas that I had and said "be who you are", and I was. I quit cheerleading, quit trying to be accepted by people, and started marching to the beat of the little drummer inside. It wasn't easy for me because people ridiculed me, my parents freaked, but inside I had this little bit of satisfaction that I finally felt like me. I did what I wanted...didn't really give a shit what anyone said and felt pretty good about myself.

December of my senior year, the relationship ended in a less then amicable fashion. I got dumped for another woman (I was a girl at the time). It completely blindsided me. I had a very small idea that it was happening but when it did, I don't think I could have ever prepared myself for it. It hurt so bad. (Oh, I know...cry me a fucking river...I must insert that I was 17 at the time) I did a lot of things that I am so amused by now (and slightly embarrassed by too but again I was 17). I will probably write about those things soon, but I must digress.

When the man I absolutely would have died for at the time, decided to break up with me, I went into a tail spin. I thought to myself, "well, you have finally shown someone what you are all about. He fucking dumped you so you must not be very good, huh?" I couldn't understand it. I didn't want to. I stopped eating. I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. It was ugly. I didn't fully recover until my 20's.

What followed was a series of very bad decisions. I dated the wrong men. Dumped the wrong men. Changed my image and style more then a few times because I was more interested in being loved then being who I was. I made one bad decision after another. I don't regret any of it though because my life was exciting. My life was a fucking blast. I had such a good time that I can't even begin to describe them in an already too long journal entry. I wouldn't trade that part of my life (or any other part for that matter) to take any of it back. I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and really had some good times. There isn't much I haven't done or tried and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to sample most of life's buffet before I turned 21.

By a stroke of luck (most of my life has been different strokes of luck) I ended up working at a restaurant where my husband worked. We had mutual friends (I had, about a year prior, dated his best friend at the time..one of my seriously bad judgment calls). I had a boyfriend. We wouldn't end up hooking up until almost 6 months after I started working there but it was as if it was fate for both of us.

I met Eddie about a year before we started dating. We were at a party and someone pointed him out to me. He was dating a friend of mine. A couple of months later, I had a party at my house after a Bouncing Souls/Ramones show, he and his girlfriend slept over. Once, during a really boring show at City Gardens, I ordered pizza and he was the delivery guy. I said "Don't I know you" and we both laughed. I helped him put the top on his samurai when it started to rain at another party (where I met his best friend).

By the time I applied for a job at the restaurant where he worked I pretty much knew who he was by sight. Thought he was totally hot and eventually one thing lead to another (again a story for another time) and we ended up dating. January 8th was the first day we kissed. January 29th I finally broke up with my boyfriend. April we were living together. Married by the next July. Like my life, our relationship moved at lightening speed and 7 years later here we are.

Oh my god! I just realized that my anniversary is a week away. And they say husbands are the ones that forget! Anyway, Eddie didn't care about all the pretentions. He didn't care about what I was trying to be, only who I was. I put him through a lot of shit and he stuck by me the whole time. He is an absolutely amazing man and I don't know if there is a day that goes by that part of that day isn't spent thinking about what a wonderful husband/father/man he is. I'll spare you the cheesy metaphors but I think you get the gist. I am finally comforable with who I am. I am truly happy to the core of my being. I am wrestless because of all I want to do but I am happy.

One interesting fact about myself. Since I turned 21 I have been at a bar less times then before I turned 21.

Sometimes a parents love for their child is so profound that it eclipses everything they do.

This article is about the father of one of Eddie's platoon mates. Click here. What impresses me most were the comments he made about his children.

I was reading about this because this guy is so very nice to me and the boys whenever he sees us. He pays special attention to Avery. Only one of Eddie's other platoon soldiers will acknowledge us when we are around.

Ironically, both are the men I have written about. They are the two platoon members who people make fun of, give a hard time and to whom aren't very nice.

I love my sister. She left yesterday and sometimes I wish she could be my neighbor. I miss her when she's not close. She got the most beautiful tattoo on her arm. She is a very beautiful, strong woman and I really do admire her.

I have a cold :(. I miss Eddie. I can't wait for the weekend.

Ryan has a small infection at the site where he had two of his injections. I hate those fucking things. UGH. At least he didn't have any other reaction yet. After I bathe the kids, I'm going to take a good look at the boo boo. It might warrant a trip to the Dr's.

My sister will be arriving on a plane in about 2 hours!! Yay!!!! I miss her so much. Both the kids are nearly sleeping because they went to bed at 2am and we got up at 7:30 to get ready for a childcare apt.

Childcare is set. I can drop them off for hourly care whenever its necessary. Yay!

I'm still running anemic so no donating platelets yet. I'll keep with the suppliments and try again next week.

Its beautiful and raining and I'm a happy gal.